In A Jumble

I'm in a relationship right now. With a gorgeous lovely woman. Of course, being a gorgeous lovely woman means that she has been in numerous relationships. Recently she revealed this to me:

* She was in love with someone for 15 years only to be let down/not chosen/'rejected' as a mate by this person. There were some tears shed in telling me and that this is her 'love story'.

Now, I have some issues with this. Let me list them.
1. Why would she tell me this? Your current squeeze/any squeeze never wants to know that you have this amazing tragic love story and that you will always pine for this person. It's telling them that they are second best and will always be second best.
2. I know do not want and probably can not let myself fall for her. It's heart breaking that I could fall in love with her (and I think it's quite likely) and always know that I am not 'the one'
3. If there is never a chance for me to be the one, why should I continue the relationship?
4. Poor gorgeous lovely woman. Will every relationship after the love of her life be only second best? Will she never be truly happy and fall in love again?
5. If this love of hers ever asked her back, would she go?

How do I answer these questions? Can she answer them for me? Should I ask her to? If I do, I'm sure that I would need to be drunk and I know that this is not necessarily the best thing. Will it ruin our relationship if I ask them? Do I ignore everything I'm thinking and just let it be? Am I insecure or is this something that needs to be addressed in any relationship?

Talking about insecurities, I'm sure the following feelings I have are due to them. If not, please let me know.

* When we make plans for a special day together such as christmas, new years day or even a weekend, I want her to go through with them. On some occasions, as soon as she receives a message from a friend she wants to go meet them and doesn't think anything there is anything wrong with this. It means that all the plans we've made for that day falls through, she will go meet her friend and I'll just sit around at home. We don't live together, and I'm glad with this at this stage of our relationship and we don't see each other everyday and so I don't think I'm being demanding. When she then has to cancel with her friend or say no I feel bad because I made her not see her friend.

* I want her to initiate sex. Currently I am the only one who does so, and if I don't then we don't have sex. I feel like she only does it because I want to do it and not because she wants do it. If she initiates then I know it's because she wants to. I don't tell her that I want this. If I do, then it's the same thing - she will do it because she thinks that is what I want and not what she wants.

* She is friends with a lot of her ex's. I know that many people are. I know that when long term relationships end, a friendship can often continue. She has all these people that she is great friends with and I feel so fleeting. We are in early stages of a relationship and so it is normal that she is going to be closer to them than to me. Der, of course. I know this, it is common sense. But somehow I feel that we won't last long because of the first part of this post and because I feel she needs more than me. Hello! Big insecurity there.

* Last but not least. She told me that she is not my type. I am nothing like any of her the people in her past relationships. I don't fit into any of things she found attractive in them. They all had something in common that I do not have. After 2 decades you don't change your type and if you do, it certainly won't last long. This is how I see it because this makes sense to me. Therefore, I conclude that we won't last long. We get along just fine but I'm sure that what I have missing will eventually get to her and she will go looking for it again.

So there you go. Anybody that can help me, please do.

Labels: love, relationships

What the fuck is it with guys in male dominated workplaces? They so rarely (really? in 2008?) see a woman in their industry that they assume we are only taking care of the admin, we're only there to support them. And then, if it's a sales seminar/training session, they assume that we all respond to the colour pink. 'They come in different colours, even pink!' directed at me. Do they realise how stupid they sound?
And I cannot attend this technical training session that I have organised because someone has to deal with the technical phone calls. But 'do you want me to call you in for the administrative part of the session, because you deal with that don't you?' Really? Call in the female just for the admin part? Fucker!

I hate it. I should be used to it by now but I'm not - it still gets to me every time!

I feel I reacted insincerely to what Faith* was saying, even though I reacted truthfully but unthinkingly. I need to sit on certain statements.

I love being around Mary* because of her naivety (perceived) and her sincere desire for all of her friends to have the best from life. She has a good heart, like my father. I love her for it and want to protect her because of it.

What is it I desire from Faith? What is it that she sees in me? Can I be what she needs/wants? Can I be me? When?

I have intellectual and personal admiration for Faith. I need to be needed by her. I like it even though I'm drained by it. Re-reading what I wrote earlier --> the more I learn the more I like. For all reasons -> psychological, emotional, learning, personal, giving reasons.

Why does she want Kim*? Kim's mine. Why does she want me? Is the answer to the questions the same?

What's with Sara*? How is she? Can I compare? Or not?

(* names have been changed for privacy reasons).

6 months ago my brother moved back into the family home with his girlfriend after my mum died. i have never lived out of home. now it's just the 3 of us. it had been going ok on the surface but not really. the deal was that i clean(because at the end of her cleaning it's still dirty) and she cooks (because she can) with my bro taking turns at each.

she had an accident and couldnt cook anymore so my bro started doing it. she wanted me to contribute more and offer to cook. i refuse to. i suggested that now we should do things flatmate style instead of family style, i.e. her and my bro purchase groceries and cook for themselves and I purchase my groceries and cook for myself. and we clean up after ourselves.

she had a whinge again today because if it wasnt for her i wouldnt have toilet paper - she went shopping and wanted me to pay for a third of it. i refused. then she started complaining about the deal we had in the beginning and my cleaning role.

i dont actually clean the house - i did it only once at the beginning and haven't done it since. i come home from work and am too tired to do it. i've only been home for about 3 weekends - always at friends places. she's been doing it, but as I mentioned earlier, it's still dirty. my contribution is to wash up after she does the cooking - and that's a full kitchen clean because the mess she makes is mind-boggling.

i suggested a cleaning roster. i think the whole thing is better off for her she can cook less and clean less. i cook for myself and clean more.

the whole thing pisses me off. why? i don't want to live with her. she can fuck off. but i dont have a choice. i know that i'm going to get pissed off and move out. i hate the fact that the reason i will move out is because of her. the house is half my brothers and half mine. but, more importantly this is my home - i know no other. and she is acting the boss of the house. fuck off.

i didnt choose this life, i got thrown into it - or rather, she got thrown into my life. her and my bro are going to by me out so they dont care. fuck fuck fuck. i want it to be the way it was before. My mum and I.

I've recently been wondering about the moment where a relationship/friendship turns. There are many turns but the one I am thinking of in particular needs an explanation because I cannot seem to do it in a sentence. I'll use a current example in my life.

I met a couple back in February, we'll call them Bark and Fuschia. They were brought along to my birthday by another friend (Mango) who I just met a couple of weeks before. Bark, Fuschia and Mango are close/best friends, especially since they all moved to Sydney from another State (they met here in Sydney).

At the time I didn't give a shit about the couple because I was more interested in Mango and how she was this new fun, exciting person I had just met. On top of that I was having work, family and school friends all intermingling for the first time and I was stressing big time making sure everything was going ok. Bark and Fuschia seemed ok but they definately weren't my priority - and I was drunk.

I didn't have any opportunities to go out with them again, only very occassionally seeing Fuschia whenever I hung out at Mangos place. Fuschia to me was Mango's friend and to me she was still a brand new person who I didn't know and felt uncomfortable when hanging around her(because I'm shy and don't know what to say so I end up mute). We did all go out again at Mardi Gras but it was the same story with me - I still didn't know them and was still unsure around them. I must also say that my initial and sub-conscious reaction to a couple is to not talk to them - they just sit there, arm around each other and there's no way I'm going to approach that.

Let me tell you a little more about Fuschia. She is gorgeous! A bit shorter than myself, not slim not overweight - just perfect, with a stunning set of boobs. Perfect facial features, wears those rectangle glasses that make her look hotter and smarter than she already is and she has the strangest sense of humour and way of thinking. I'm not sure if I was intimidated by her but I just loved to look at her and try and work out how the hell her mind worked with the stuff that was coming out of her mouth. At 23 she a manager, earns 6 figures and has several mortgages.

But I still didn't know her and didn't really give a shit because I didn't think that we'd hang out - especially since we had only done so twice in 5 months including the time we met. And if there was hanging out she either wouldn't come or would do so but leave early - always due to her workload - her weekends were primarily for catching up.

Queens Birthday long weekend was great. On the Sunday myself and Mango were invited to Bark and Fuschias for drinks and then going out afterwards. It was awesome. We all got wasted, played Sing Star and Guitar Hero and got on really well, cracking jokes and generally being dicks. It was late when we finally left. The good thing (as I saw it) was that Bark stayed home and only the girls went out. Everything in Newtown was closed (it being a Sunday and all) so we could only go to Oxford Street where we settled on Stonewall. Mango is straight and only goes out if she can pick up guys. It won't do just to hang out and dance/drink with her friends. So it surprised me that she was willing to go to this gay establishment. It seems that Mango does anything that Fuschia wants to do. So we know that Mango and Fuschia are straight and that I'm in the closet - so I was happy to go to Stonewall.

Awesome night. Fuschia and I danced and danced. It seems that she can dance really well as can I where as Mango can't. Drunken grinding provocative dancing that we mutually fell into with each other without saying a word - just knowing - as well as splitting everytime Mango came back from whatever conversation/toilet break/buying drinks/dancing she was doing with another friend we met up with - because we both just knew to include them when they came near and that they probably wouldn't like it. It was so fucking awesome.

I found out too that she gives the most awesome and fulfilling hugs I have ever had in my life. They're long and not awkward and we both pull away at the same time just knowing, and the hugs are tight and there's arm movement and she has a 2 stage thing that she does where the first stage is normal and the second stage, she moves her face into my neck and I fucking love it.

Lately Fuschia is coming out with us more (another 3 big nights since the Q's Bday) and she hangs out with us 'til the end of the night even when Bark wants to go home earlier (which he does). By this point I am comfortable around her - we drink and dance like dicks (nothing like the way it was at Stonewall) but we don't talk - there's nothing to talk about because we're having fun and not doing the 'getting to know you' thing.

So it came as a surprise one night where she tells me that she stays out longer because she knows that I've made the effort to drive in so she should make that time worthwhile by making the effort herself to stay out. And she wanted to know more about me and that she cared about me and I told her that I couldn't understand why she'd want to know more or why she'd care - after all we're just party buddies. Apparently she considers me one of her good friends - I still didn't get why. I didn't want to tell her about me, especially since we were drunk, it was the end of the night and more time was needed to explain things - I knew I'd start but we'd have to cut it short due to tiredness - so I didn't.

On Friday night (couple days ago) we were drunk arse bitches again. I told her she should throw a glass of water in just to break up the booze - an afternoon pub crawl was happening on Saturday and a farewell party that Saturday night. I was being me saying you're so drunk and laughing and carrying on. Then she's telling me she's going home and trying to get Bark to go home with her and I'm like 'what?? it's so early, what are you doing, why are you going?' So she cracks the sads on me. Starts crying.

In a nutshell, what I was saying really hurt her and because I told her she was drunk she thought it best to go home. She then proceeds to tell me how nobody gets to her or hurts her because she doesn't let them and doesn't let them in. BUT for people she lets in and considers her really good friends, well, they can hurt her.

In my head: "oh fuck, she's crying. why the fuck is she crying on me. another one that i have to sugar coat for. i hate sugar coating, it's too hard. there's plenty of people in my life that know me and dont get offended. I just wanna be me. new fucking relationship means i gotta start from scratch. now i have to tell her all the nice things that i truly do think of her. well they're true so it won't be that hard"

So I tell her that I think she's fucking awesome. I love hanging out with her - dancing and drinking. She's lots of fun. Explained my good intentions about wanting her to have a glass of water. Tell her I plan weekends with Mango hoping that she'll come along. That I have only good intentions at heart generally and especially for my friends. Then she tells me all about her life and wants me to do the same. I sort of do - telling her about both my parents dying and holding on to what you've got left. She says we have a lot in common - think the same way, like to have fun the same way. Cool. We spend the majority of the night/morning talking agreeing, hugging, holding hands, drinking, her crying and telling me "i haven't told anyone this stuff except Bark so you should feel priveleged/special' and I do. [as an aside, she thought I was being rude to her on my birthday when we first met. said she tried to win me over with one of her trademark funny things but, according to her, it didn't work. right now, i'm pissed off that she thinks i was being rude.]

Ended up crashing at her place but not before she told me even more about her life and some more tears thrown in. Perfect opportunity to give her another hug, but for some reason I stayed planted to where I was standing. Pub crawl was cool. Went back to Mangos, had a 2 hour sleep, went back out for more partying.

Now, to the reason I'm really writing all this. She pretty much ignored me the whole night. I don't know what I expected - she was there with Bark and all his mates were there and she had to mingle. I hate that I did expect something. I wanted her to pay me some attention. I hate that is what I wanted. I'm quite sure this wasn't her intention and she probably has no idea at all that I feel like this.

When/how did the relationship change from being simple party buddies to her telling me her life story and us becoming quick, strong friends in one night (however reluctantly from me - i pretty much listened rather than spoke the night before)? Why did my perception/thoughts/feelings of/towards her change so quickly from not giving a shit to having good times to expecting attention and feeling like shit for not getting it? I know why and I hate it. It's because she gave me what I needed (attention, hugs, emotion - things I didn't want or ask for but she wanted to give) and once I got a taste of it I thought that's how it'd be with her from now on.

Now that I know what this feels like and because I hate being in this position, feeling this way (rejected/ignored) I am pulling away big time and the wall is going up straight away again. I hate that I allowed myself to be put in this situation. The walls started to go up a couple of hours after I realised I wasn't going to get what I stupidly expected. I'm sure Fuschia felt it too. I only hope that she doesn't think I am pulling away because of all the things she told me about herself and her life. I sort of am a teensy little bit - I'm not sure I trust someone who can open up so quickly and fully - probably because it takes me such a long time to do the same. The fact that she so easily (in my eyes) did so with me makes me really wary.

Let me read what I first started this entry with.....Oh, right - relationship turning.

The point where the person is not as great as you thought they were. When does that happen in your head? I find it so interesting. Is it quick- as a result of an event ? Or a slow progression over time. I think when you don't know someone and you don't dislike them, it is easy to put them on a sort of pedestal. Once you get to know them, you see their flaws and they're off the pedestal. But this doesn't happen with all relationships. What is it that keeps someone on a pedestal in your head even after you see their flaws?

I think what I am trying to say with this rant is that I don't see Fuschia in the same way anymore. I liked how I saw her before I knew her. I liked her even more when she told me a lot of incredible things about her life - but in a different way. And now I see her differently again, but I don't like the way I see her now - in a way where "this is a person that can hurt me, get away". But at the same time I still think she's awesome and have googled her for far too long tonight. Fuck - this is too much drama for 1 weekend, especially when it's all in my head. Now I'm pulling away and not because I want to but because my defence-mechanism is kicking in. Good to know it's still working.

until I'm free. Free from the corporate world, and being threatened with a firing and the paranoia of being replaced.

You want me to leave? I'll fucking leave. Everyone is replaceable - I know that, but to quote Janet Jackson - 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone.' Bonus goes in and I go out.

With 4 weeks notice, I wonder how I'll be treated. Hopefully, will post daily happenings from the time of the letter being put on the table.

Sometimes I feel the need to write and I don't know why. I'm not a writer - this is why I haven't written a thing since September. Is it because I'm drunk, or rather, post-drunk? I smell smoke. Someone is smoking a cigarette on a balcony below me.

Why do I feel like shit when someone puts a TV show ahead of talking with me or being with me? I half understand it because I love my TV too. But when someone (me) is obviously 'dying' to talk, why can't (my) friends see that? When am I going to be somebodys number one? Why do I put everybody else No.1 in my life and then get disappointed when they don't do the same for me?

Why do I think I'll be their No.1 just because I made them my No.1? By No.1 I mean making them the most important thing during the time I spend with them. By them I mean my friends. Why am I only somebodys No.1 until someone or something better comes along - like a TV show or a boy/girlfriend?

Will I ever be somebodys No.1? I don't feel that I have to make myself priority before somebody else can make me priority because I've tried that and nothing has come of it. Will I be alone forever? Will I be with someone and still feel as though I'm alone forever?

Why is it that when I find someone new and become 'cool' and 'great' to them that it quickly wears off? Why do I have so many questions? Why do I deserve better? Why does somebody build my hopes up by making me their No.1 and then drop me from that spot? Why do I feel like I need to be someones No.1? Because I've felt it before and I loved it and I love making the other person feel the same way. I love it when No.1-ness is reciprocated.

I want my mum.

How is it that someones best friend cannot understand their ramblings when I 100% totally got it? Why can't/didn't I respond to it? Why do I think I'd feel inadequate if I did - that the response wouldn't be good enough?

Why do I want to die? Why do I think about dying and feel no emotion? Why do I want to be in a car accident and feel all the physical pain that comes with it? Why do I want people to feel sorry for me when it happens? Why do I think I'll get what I want from people by them feeling sorry for me? It didn't happen when Dad died. It didn't happen when Mum died. Yet before these events happened I thought how good it'd feel when people comforted me, thought I'd get something out of it, something that'd fill the void.

Yet nothing, but pain that I try to numb with alcohol because it's too hard otherwise. What's too hard? Deep pain in my heart. Crying. Regret. Anger. It's not fair. Why me? sort of feelings.

Why can't my friends see my pain? Why can I see theirs and want to do something about it, help them. And if the DO see my pain, why do they not acknowledge it and/or do something, say something. This is the same thing that happened when Dad died.

Why do I think and feel I deserve better than this? Why don't I get it? Why do I always crawl back after rambling on about how 'I deserve better than this?' Because it's the most I'll get and the most I've ever gotten.

Why isn't there a better, or other, word than 'why'?

Why do I go totally out of my way for others thinking that I'm doing the best for them - and then when I don't feel any gratitude from them I feel like a total shit in myself for changing things in my life to help out the ungrateful dicks? Why do I keep doing these things even after I feel like shit doing them?

Why do I make the effort to make others happy when they don't make the effort to make me happy? Do they save the 'I want to make them happy' things for a boy/girlfriend and therefore take their friends for granted?

Will finding Margaret & Edward make my life easier or harder or more confusing? What is life? Why am I here?

I want my Mum. Why do I feel like I don't want my Dad? I did before Mum died but afterwards, all I want is my Mum. I want her hugs. I want to feel her arms, her soft skin. To use her hand as my pillow. To say 'mummy mummy mummy' like I did during the months leading up to her death. It was like I knew the end was near because I re-hashed all the memories I ever had. I thought it was remembering my Dad but it was letting Mum know that I remembered everything we did together - that I had a good life with her.

I knew something was wrong. Why? But also good it happened quick. But only less suffering if we caught it earlier - or maybe worse. I feel so selfish and cruel. 'You'll pay for this when you grow up'. Am I paying for it now?

What am I looking for by coming to their place? I'm looking for empathy, comfort, love, understanding, attention and effort. I give that to my friends. Why can't they give it to me? Because they reserve it for their 'significant other'.