Sunday, September 10, 2006
2 hit with the BPD
I have just found out today that 2 of my friends have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or BPD. I already knew that one had it but today found out that another friend also has it.
Strangely enough, these are the 2 people that have moved/changed/influenced me in deep ways - more than any other friends or people and when I was in their company (separately - they don't know each other)I felt the same way - like I was the centre of their attention, that I was this great undiscovered person, that they were glad that they had met me and got to know me and hadn't met anyone like me before. This is the way they made me feel and even told me these things. I haven't felt like this with any other people except for these two.
I realise now that they affected me in the same way and things developed the same way. The relationships developed very quickly and was very intense and led to contact every day and sometimes more than that and was always initiated by them.
In one case she suddenly stopped the contact but I didn't even realise it because nothing went wrong, nothing happened - everything was as it always was (or so I thought) so I kept the contact because that was what was done.
In the other case, she went overseas and contact stops pretty soon after that even though you'll say you'll keep it going. Well, I kept it going with emails and sms and got maybe 20% response.
I feel like I've been cheated - that neither relationship was what I thought it was. I feel that on my part they were real and they were - I invested a lot of time and emotions. I feel on their side of things that it was their personality disorder that controlled the way they felt with me and said the things they did and that it was this disorder that stopped the relationships.
It took me a while in both cases to realise that things were one sided and I slowly 'got the message' although it was very hard as I had no idea what the reasons were - it was such a gradual process that it was unnoticeable and nothing was ever said.
And so here I am in Germany after hearing the news from the friend that went back overseas (there was still some contact which is why I'm here) and feeling like shit now and just have to write it all out. I actually feel the same way I did when I realised that the relationships were ending/ended and only kept going because of me - nothing went wrong for contact to decrease and I didn't realise it had decreased until I thought about it and saw that I was the only one making an effort.
Aaaargh - I have to get out of here, it's doing my head in. It took me a long time to get over them both - actually, not to get over them but to get over the loss of such a deep and constant relationship, and now I feel like this again. Sort of depressed, confused, a bit angry and a bit nauseus - I don't know why nauseus but that's what it is. And these were frienships not intimate, I'm-in-love relationships.
I made such an effort to come here and now can't wait to leave. I suppose it is clear in my mind that the problem wasn't me and not them. But then who are they really and would I still like the 'real' them? As I said, I liked the way they made me feel, like no-one else has and it was a boost to my self-esteem/confidence but then so harshly crashed it too. I hope these feelings I have now don't last as long as before - I couldn't take it - I hope it's temporary and lessens once I leave and dissappears altogether once I process it.
It feels good to get it all out - it quickens the processing in my head.
Bleh.
Who Links Here
Strangely enough, these are the 2 people that have moved/changed/influenced me in deep ways - more than any other friends or people and when I was in their company (separately - they don't know each other)I felt the same way - like I was the centre of their attention, that I was this great undiscovered person, that they were glad that they had met me and got to know me and hadn't met anyone like me before. This is the way they made me feel and even told me these things. I haven't felt like this with any other people except for these two.
I realise now that they affected me in the same way and things developed the same way. The relationships developed very quickly and was very intense and led to contact every day and sometimes more than that and was always initiated by them.
In one case she suddenly stopped the contact but I didn't even realise it because nothing went wrong, nothing happened - everything was as it always was (or so I thought) so I kept the contact because that was what was done.
In the other case, she went overseas and contact stops pretty soon after that even though you'll say you'll keep it going. Well, I kept it going with emails and sms and got maybe 20% response.
I feel like I've been cheated - that neither relationship was what I thought it was. I feel that on my part they were real and they were - I invested a lot of time and emotions. I feel on their side of things that it was their personality disorder that controlled the way they felt with me and said the things they did and that it was this disorder that stopped the relationships.
It took me a while in both cases to realise that things were one sided and I slowly 'got the message' although it was very hard as I had no idea what the reasons were - it was such a gradual process that it was unnoticeable and nothing was ever said.
And so here I am in Germany after hearing the news from the friend that went back overseas (there was still some contact which is why I'm here) and feeling like shit now and just have to write it all out. I actually feel the same way I did when I realised that the relationships were ending/ended and only kept going because of me - nothing went wrong for contact to decrease and I didn't realise it had decreased until I thought about it and saw that I was the only one making an effort.
Aaaargh - I have to get out of here, it's doing my head in. It took me a long time to get over them both - actually, not to get over them but to get over the loss of such a deep and constant relationship, and now I feel like this again. Sort of depressed, confused, a bit angry and a bit nauseus - I don't know why nauseus but that's what it is. And these were frienships not intimate, I'm-in-love relationships.
I made such an effort to come here and now can't wait to leave. I suppose it is clear in my mind that the problem wasn't me and not them. But then who are they really and would I still like the 'real' them? As I said, I liked the way they made me feel, like no-one else has and it was a boost to my self-esteem/confidence but then so harshly crashed it too. I hope these feelings I have now don't last as long as before - I couldn't take it - I hope it's temporary and lessens once I leave and dissappears altogether once I process it.
It feels good to get it all out - it quickens the processing in my head.
Bleh.
