In A Jumble

Relationship Situation

2009-01-05T20:45:00.004+11:00

I'm in a relationship right now. With a gorgeous lovely woman. Of course, being a gorgeous lovely woman means that she has been in numerous relationships. Recently she revealed this to me:

* She was in love with someone for 15 years only to be let down/not chosen/'rejected' as a mate by this person. There were some tears shed in telling me and that this is her 'love story'.

Now, I have some issues with this. Let me list them.
1. Why would she tell me this? Your current squeeze/any squeeze never wants to know that you have this amazing tragic love story and that you will always pine for this person. It's telling them that they are second best and will always be second best.
2. I know do not want and probably can not let myself fall for her. It's heart breaking that I could fall in love with her (and I think it's quite likely) and always know that I am not 'the one'
3. If there is never a chance for me to be the one, why should I continue the relationship?
4. Poor gorgeous lovely woman. Will every relationship after the love of her life be only second best? Will she never be truly happy and fall in love again?
5. If this love of hers ever asked her back, would she go?

How do I answer these questions? Can she answer them for me? Should I ask her to? If I do, I'm sure that I would need to be drunk and I know that this is not necessarily the best thing. Will it ruin our relationship if I ask them? Do I ignore everything I'm thinking and just let it be? Am I insecure or is this something that needs to be addressed in any relationship?

Talking about insecurities, I'm sure the following feelings I have are due to them. If not, please let me know.

* When we make plans for a special day together such as christmas, new years day or even a weekend, I want her to go through with them. On some occasions, as soon as she receives a message from a friend she wants to go meet them and doesn't think anything there is anything wrong with this. It means that all the plans we've made for that day falls through, she will go meet her friend and I'll just sit around at home. We don't live together, and I'm glad with this at this stage of our relationship and we don't see each other everyday and so I don't think I'm being demanding. When she then has to cancel with her friend or say no I feel bad because I made her not see her friend.

* I want her to initiate sex. Currently I am the only one who does so, and if I don't then we don't have sex. I feel like she only does it because I want to do it and not because she wants do it. If she initiates then I know it's because she wants to. I don't tell her that I want this. If I do, then it's the same thing - she will do it because she thinks that is what I want and not what she wants.

* She is friends with a lot of her ex's. I know that many people are. I know that when long term relationships end, a friendship can often continue. She has all these people that she is great friends with and I feel so fleeting. We are in early stages of a relationship and so it is normal that she is going to be closer to them than to me. Der, of course. I know this, it is common sense. But somehow I feel that we won't last long because of the first part of this post and because I feel she needs more than me. Hello! Big insecurity there.

* Last but not least. She told me that she is not my type. I am nothing like any of her the people in her past relationships. I don't fit into any of things she found attractive in them. They all had something in common that I do not have. After 2 decades you don't change your type and if you do, it certainly won't last long. This is how I see it because this makes sense to me. Therefore, I conclude that we won't last long. We get along just fine but I'm sure that what I have missing will eventually get to her and she will go looking for it again.

So there you go. Anybody that can help me, please do.

Vent, Vent, Vent

2008-11-05T13:35:00.000+11:00

What the fuck is it with guys in male dominated workplaces? They so rarely (really? in 2008?) see a woman in their industry that they assume we are only taking care of the admin, we're only there to support them. And then, if it's a sales seminar/training session, they assume that we all respond to the colour pink. 'They come in different colours, even pink!' directed at me. Do they realise how stupid they sound?
And I cannot attend this technical training session that I have organised because someone has to deal with the technical phone calls. But 'do you want me to call you in for the administrative part of the session, because you deal with that don't you?' Really? Call in the female just for the admin part? Fucker!

I hate it. I should be used to it by now but I'm not - it still gets to me every time!

random things i wrote while drunk, and transferring while im sober

2007-09-04T20:38:00.000+10:00

I feel I reacted insincerely to what Faith* was saying, even though I reacted truthfully but unthinkingly. I need to sit on certain statements.

I love being around Mary* because of her naivety (perceived) and her sincere desire for all of her friends to have the best from life. She has a good heart, like my father. I love her for it and want to protect her because of it.

What is it I desire from Faith? What is it that she sees in me? Can I be what she needs/wants? Can I be me? When?

I have intellectual and personal admiration for Faith. I need to be needed by her. I like it even though I'm drained by it. Re-reading what I wrote earlier --> the more I learn the more I like. For all reasons -> psychological, emotional, learning, personal, giving reasons.

Why does she want Kim*? Kim's mine. Why does she want me? Is the answer to the questions the same?

What's with Sara*? How is she? Can I compare? Or not?

(* names have been changed for privacy reasons).

living with other people

2007-07-30T19:54:00.000+10:00

6 months ago my brother moved back into the family home with his girlfriend after my mum died. i have never lived out of home. now it's just the 3 of us. it had been going ok on the surface but not really. the deal was that i clean(because at the end of her cleaning it's still dirty) and she cooks (because she can) with my bro taking turns at each.

she had an accident and couldnt cook anymore so my bro started doing it. she wanted me to contribute more and offer to cook. i refuse to. i suggested that now we should do things flatmate style instead of family style, i.e. her and my bro purchase groceries and cook for themselves and I purchase my groceries and cook for myself. and we clean up after ourselves.

she had a whinge again today because if it wasnt for her i wouldnt have toilet paper - she went shopping and wanted me to pay for a third of it. i refused. then she started complaining about the deal we had in the beginning and my cleaning role.

i dont actually clean the house - i did it only once at the beginning and haven't done it since. i come home from work and am too tired to do it. i've only been home for about 3 weekends - always at friends places. she's been doing it, but as I mentioned earlier, it's still dirty. my contribution is to wash up after she does the cooking - and that's a full kitchen clean because the mess she makes is mind-boggling.

i suggested a cleaning roster. i think the whole thing is better off for her she can cook less and clean less. i cook for myself and clean more.

the whole thing pisses me off. why? i don't want to live with her. she can fuck off. but i dont have a choice. i know that i'm going to get pissed off and move out. i hate the fact that the reason i will move out is because of her. the house is half my brothers and half mine. but, more importantly this is my home - i know no other. and she is acting the boss of the house. fuck off.

i didnt choose this life, i got thrown into it - or rather, she got thrown into my life. her and my bro are going to by me out so they dont care. fuck fuck fuck. i want it to be the way it was before. My mum and I.

Weirdness

2007-07-15T23:59:00.000+10:00

I've recently been wondering about the moment where a relationship/friendship turns. There are many turns but the one I am thinking of in particular needs an explanation because I cannot seem to do it in a sentence. I'll use a current example in my life.

I met a couple back in February, we'll call them Bark and Fuschia. They were brought along to my birthday by another friend (Mango) who I just met a couple of weeks before. Bark, Fuschia and Mango are close/best friends, especially since they all moved to Sydney from another State (they met here in Sydney).

At the time I didn't give a shit about the couple because I was more interested in Mango and how she was this new fun, exciting person I had just met. On top of that I was having work, family and school friends all intermingling for the first time and I was stressing big time making sure everything was going ok. Bark and Fuschia seemed ok but they definately weren't my priority - and I was drunk.

I didn't have any opportunities to go out with them again, only very occassionally seeing Fuschia whenever I hung out at Mangos place. Fuschia to me was Mango's friend and to me she was still a brand new person who I didn't know and felt uncomfortable when hanging around her(because I'm shy and don't know what to say so I end up mute). We did all go out again at Mardi Gras but it was the same story with me - I still didn't know them and was still unsure around them. I must also say that my initial and sub-conscious reaction to a couple is to not talk to them - they just sit there, arm around each other and there's no way I'm going to approach that.

Let me tell you a little more about Fuschia. She is gorgeous! A bit shorter than myself, not slim not overweight - just perfect, with a stunning set of boobs. Perfect facial features, wears those rectangle glasses that make her look hotter and smarter than she already is and she has the strangest sense of humour and way of thinking. I'm not sure if I was intimidated by her but I just loved to look at her and try and work out how the hell her mind worked with the stuff that was coming out of her mouth. At 23 she a manager, earns 6 figures and has several mortgages.

But I still didn't know her and didn't really give a shit because I didn't think that we'd hang out - especially since we had only done so twice in 5 months including the time we met. And if there was hanging out she either wouldn't come or would do so but leave early - always due to her workload - her weekends were primarily for catching up.

Queens Birthday long weekend was great. On the Sunday myself and Mango were invited to Bark and Fuschias for drinks and then going out afterwards. It was awesome. We all got wasted, played Sing Star and Guitar Hero and got on really well, cracking jokes and generally being dicks. It was late when we finally left. The good thing (as I saw it) was that Bark stayed home and only the girls went out. Everything in Newtown was closed (it being a Sunday and all) so we could only go to Oxford Street where we settled on Stonewall. Mango is straight and only goes out if she can pick up guys. It won't do just to hang out and dance/drink with her friends. So it surprised me that she was willing to go to this gay establishment. It seems that Mango does anything that Fuschia wants to do. So we know that Mango and Fuschia are straight and that I'm in the closet - so I was happy to go to Stonewall.

Awesome night. Fuschia and I danced and danced. It seems that she can dance really well as can I where as Mango can't. Drunken grinding provocative dancing that we mutually fell into with each other without saying a word - just knowing - as well as splitting everytime Mango came back from whatever conversation/toilet break/buying drinks/dancing she was doing with another friend we met up with - because we both just knew to include them when they came near and that they probably wouldn't like it. It was so fucking awesome.

I found out too that she gives the most awesome and fulfilling hugs I have ever had in my life. They're long and not awkward and we both pull away at the same time just knowing, and the hugs are tight and there's arm movement and she has a 2 stage thing that she does where the first stage is normal and the second stage, she moves her face into my neck and I fucking love it.

Lately Fuschia is coming out with us more (another 3 big nights since the Q's Bday) and she hangs out with us 'til the end of the night even when Bark wants to go home earlier (which he does). By this point I am comfortable around her - we drink and dance like dicks (nothing like the way it was at Stonewall) but we don't talk - there's nothing to talk about because we're having fun and not doing the 'getting to know you' thing.

So it came as a surprise one night where she tells me that she stays out longer because she knows that I've made the effort to drive in so she should make that time worthwhile by making the effort herself to stay out. And she wanted to know more about me and that she cared about me and I told her that I couldn't understand why she'd want to know more or why she'd care - after all we're just party buddies. Apparently she considers me one of her good friends - I still didn't get why. I didn't want to tell her about me, especially since we were drunk, it was the end of the night and more time was needed to explain things - I knew I'd start but we'd have to cut it short due to tiredness - so I didn't.

On Friday night (couple days ago) we were drunk arse bitches again. I told her she should throw a glass of water in just to break up the booze - an afternoon pub crawl was happening on Saturday and a farewell party that Saturday night. I was being me saying you're so drunk and laughing and carrying on. Then she's telling me she's going home and trying to get Bark to go home with her and I'm like 'what?? it's so early, what are you doing, why are you going?' So she cracks the sads on me. Starts crying.

In a nutshell, what I was saying really hurt her and because I told her she was drunk she thought it best to go home. She then proceeds to tell me how nobody gets to her or hurts her because she doesn't let them and doesn't let them in. BUT for people she lets in and considers her really good friends, well, they can hurt her.

In my head: "oh fuck, she's crying. why the fuck is she crying on me. another one that i have to sugar coat for. i hate sugar coating, it's too hard. there's plenty of people in my life that know me and dont get offended. I just wanna be me. new fucking relationship means i gotta start from scratch. now i have to tell her all the nice things that i truly do think of her. well they're true so it won't be that hard"

So I tell her that I think she's fucking awesome. I love hanging out with her - dancing and drinking. She's lots of fun. Explained my good intentions about wanting her to have a glass of water. Tell her I plan weekends with Mango hoping that she'll come along. That I have only good intentions at heart generally and especially for my friends. Then she tells me all about her life and wants me to do the same. I sort of do - telling her about both my parents dying and holding on to what you've got left. She says we have a lot in common - think the same way, like to have fun the same way. Cool. We spend the majority of the night/morning talking agreeing, hugging, holding hands, drinking, her crying and telling me "i haven't told anyone this stuff except Bark so you should feel priveleged/special' and I do. [as an aside, she thought I was being rude to her on my birthday when we first met. said she tried to win me over with one of her trademark funny things but, according to her, it didn't work. right now, i'm pissed off that she thinks i was being rude.]

Ended up crashing at her place but not before she told me even more about her life and some more tears thrown in. Perfect opportunity to give her another hug, but for some reason I stayed planted to where I was standing. Pub crawl was cool. Went back to Mangos, had a 2 hour sleep, went back out for more partying.

Now, to the reason I'm really writing all this. She pretty much ignored me the whole night. I don't know what I expected - she was there with Bark and all his mates were there and she had to mingle. I hate that I did expect something. I wanted her to pay me some attention. I hate that is what I wanted. I'm quite sure this wasn't her intention and she probably has no idea at all that I feel like this.

When/how did the relationship change from being simple party buddies to her telling me her life story and us becoming quick, strong friends in one night (however reluctantly from me - i pretty much listened rather than spoke the night before)? Why did my perception/thoughts/feelings of/towards her change so quickly from not giving a shit to having good times to expecting attention and feeling like shit for not getting it? I know why and I hate it. It's because she gave me what I needed (attention, hugs, emotion - things I didn't want or ask for but she wanted to give) and once I got a taste of it I thought that's how it'd be with her from now on.

Now that I know what this feels like and because I hate being in this position, feeling this way (rejected/ignored) I am pulling away big time and the wall is going up straight away again. I hate that I allowed myself to be put in this situation. The walls started to go up a couple of hours after I realised I wasn't going to get what I stupidly expected. I'm sure Fuschia felt it too. I only hope that she doesn't think I am pulling away because of all the things she told me about herself and her life. I sort of am a teensy little bit - I'm not sure I trust someone who can open up so quickly and fully - probably because it takes me such a long time to do the same. The fact that she so easily (in my eyes) did so with me makes me really wary.

Let me read what I first started this entry with.....Oh, right - relationship turning.

The point where the person is not as great as you thought they were. When does that happen in your head? I find it so interesting. Is it quick- as a result of an event ? Or a slow progression over time. I think when you don't know someone and you don't dislike them, it is easy to put them on a sort of pedestal. Once you get to know them, you see their flaws and they're off the pedestal. But this doesn't happen with all relationships. What is it that keeps someone on a pedestal in your head even after you see their flaws?

I think what I am trying to say with this rant is that I don't see Fuschia in the same way anymore. I liked how I saw her before I knew her. I liked her even more when she told me a lot of incredible things about her life - but in a different way. And now I see her differently again, but I don't like the way I see her now - in a way where "this is a person that can hurt me, get away". But at the same time I still think she's awesome and have googled her for far too long tonight. Fuck - this is too much drama for 1 weekend, especially when it's all in my head. Now I'm pulling away and not because I want to but because my defence-mechanism is kicking in. Good to know it's still working.

4 days and 4 weeks

2007-07-10T00:00:00.000+10:00

until I'm free. Free from the corporate world, and being threatened with a firing and the paranoia of being replaced.

You want me to leave? I'll fucking leave. Everyone is replaceable - I know that, but to quote Janet Jackson - 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone.' Bonus goes in and I go out.

With 4 weeks notice, I wonder how I'll be treated. Hopefully, will post daily happenings from the time of the letter being put on the table.

Me me me, why why why, blah blah, I I

2007-03-23T01:02:00.000+11:00

Sometimes I feel the need to write and I don't know why. I'm not a writer - this is why I haven't written a thing since September. Is it because I'm drunk, or rather, post-drunk? I smell smoke. Someone is smoking a cigarette on a balcony below me.

Why do I feel like shit when someone puts a TV show ahead of talking with me or being with me? I half understand it because I love my TV too. But when someone (me) is obviously 'dying' to talk, why can't (my) friends see that? When am I going to be somebodys number one? Why do I put everybody else No.1 in my life and then get disappointed when they don't do the same for me?

Why do I think I'll be their No.1 just because I made them my No.1? By No.1 I mean making them the most important thing during the time I spend with them. By them I mean my friends. Why am I only somebodys No.1 until someone or something better comes along - like a TV show or a boy/girlfriend?

Will I ever be somebodys No.1? I don't feel that I have to make myself priority before somebody else can make me priority because I've tried that and nothing has come of it. Will I be alone forever? Will I be with someone and still feel as though I'm alone forever?

Why is it that when I find someone new and become 'cool' and 'great' to them that it quickly wears off? Why do I have so many questions? Why do I deserve better? Why does somebody build my hopes up by making me their No.1 and then drop me from that spot? Why do I feel like I need to be someones No.1? Because I've felt it before and I loved it and I love making the other person feel the same way. I love it when No.1-ness is reciprocated.

I want my mum.

How is it that someones best friend cannot understand their ramblings when I 100% totally got it? Why can't/didn't I respond to it? Why do I think I'd feel inadequate if I did - that the response wouldn't be good enough?

Why do I want to die? Why do I think about dying and feel no emotion? Why do I want to be in a car accident and feel all the physical pain that comes with it? Why do I want people to feel sorry for me when it happens? Why do I think I'll get what I want from people by them feeling sorry for me? It didn't happen when Dad died. It didn't happen when Mum died. Yet before these events happened I thought how good it'd feel when people comforted me, thought I'd get something out of it, something that'd fill the void.

Yet nothing, but pain that I try to numb with alcohol because it's too hard otherwise. What's too hard? Deep pain in my heart. Crying. Regret. Anger. It's not fair. Why me? sort of feelings.

Why can't my friends see my pain? Why can I see theirs and want to do something about it, help them. And if the DO see my pain, why do they not acknowledge it and/or do something, say something. This is the same thing that happened when Dad died.

Why do I think and feel I deserve better than this? Why don't I get it? Why do I always crawl back after rambling on about how 'I deserve better than this?' Because it's the most I'll get and the most I've ever gotten.

Why isn't there a better, or other, word than 'why'?

Why do I go totally out of my way for others thinking that I'm doing the best for them - and then when I don't feel any gratitude from them I feel like a total shit in myself for changing things in my life to help out the ungrateful dicks? Why do I keep doing these things even after I feel like shit doing them?

Why do I make the effort to make others happy when they don't make the effort to make me happy? Do they save the 'I want to make them happy' things for a boy/girlfriend and therefore take their friends for granted?

Will finding Margaret & Edward make my life easier or harder or more confusing? What is life? Why am I here?

I want my Mum. Why do I feel like I don't want my Dad? I did before Mum died but afterwards, all I want is my Mum. I want her hugs. I want to feel her arms, her soft skin. To use her hand as my pillow. To say 'mummy mummy mummy' like I did during the months leading up to her death. It was like I knew the end was near because I re-hashed all the memories I ever had. I thought it was remembering my Dad but it was letting Mum know that I remembered everything we did together - that I had a good life with her.

I knew something was wrong. Why? But also good it happened quick. But only less suffering if we caught it earlier - or maybe worse. I feel so selfish and cruel. 'You'll pay for this when you grow up'. Am I paying for it now?

What am I looking for by coming to their place? I'm looking for empathy, comfort, love, understanding, attention and effort. I give that to my friends. Why can't they give it to me? Because they reserve it for their 'significant other'.

2 hit with the BPD

2006-09-10T06:28:00.000+10:00

I have just found out today that 2 of my friends have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or BPD. I already knew that one had it but today found out that another friend also has it.

Strangely enough, these are the 2 people that have moved/changed/influenced me in deep ways - more than any other friends or people and when I was in their company (separately - they don't know each other)I felt the same way - like I was the centre of their attention, that I was this great undiscovered person, that they were glad that they had met me and got to know me and hadn't met anyone like me before. This is the way they made me feel and even told me these things. I haven't felt like this with any other people except for these two.

I realise now that they affected me in the same way and things developed the same way. The relationships developed very quickly and was very intense and led to contact every day and sometimes more than that and was always initiated by them.

In one case she suddenly stopped the contact but I didn't even realise it because nothing went wrong, nothing happened - everything was as it always was (or so I thought) so I kept the contact because that was what was done.

In the other case, she went overseas and contact stops pretty soon after that even though you'll say you'll keep it going. Well, I kept it going with emails and sms and got maybe 20% response.

I feel like I've been cheated - that neither relationship was what I thought it was. I feel that on my part they were real and they were - I invested a lot of time and emotions. I feel on their side of things that it was their personality disorder that controlled the way they felt with me and said the things they did and that it was this disorder that stopped the relationships.

It took me a while in both cases to realise that things were one sided and I slowly 'got the message' although it was very hard as I had no idea what the reasons were - it was such a gradual process that it was unnoticeable and nothing was ever said.

And so here I am in Germany after hearing the news from the friend that went back overseas (there was still some contact which is why I'm here) and feeling like shit now and just have to write it all out. I actually feel the same way I did when I realised that the relationships were ending/ended and only kept going because of me - nothing went wrong for contact to decrease and I didn't realise it had decreased until I thought about it and saw that I was the only one making an effort.

Aaaargh - I have to get out of here, it's doing my head in. It took me a long time to get over them both - actually, not to get over them but to get over the loss of such a deep and constant relationship, and now I feel like this again. Sort of depressed, confused, a bit angry and a bit nauseus - I don't know why nauseus but that's what it is. And these were frienships not intimate, I'm-in-love relationships.

I made such an effort to come here and now can't wait to leave. I suppose it is clear in my mind that the problem wasn't me and not them. But then who are they really and would I still like the 'real' them? As I said, I liked the way they made me feel, like no-one else has and it was a boost to my self-esteem/confidence but then so harshly crashed it too. I hope these feelings I have now don't last as long as before - I couldn't take it - I hope it's temporary and lessens once I leave and dissappears altogether once I process it.

It feels good to get it all out - it quickens the processing in my head.

Bleh.

Deperately Seeking Kim

2006-07-23T23:46:00.000+10:00

It may be a desperate to be looking for someone you spent only 12 hours of your life with. A one night stand 2 years ago. In New York City. I think about her often.

It was 2004, a saturday night (24th of July) at Henrietta Hudsons. They were renovating half the premises and so it felt like there were twice as many people - very overcrowded. She was there with her nurse friend - Alice or Felice or something.

This friend lived on the Lower East Side at some big block of flats on a corner. She had just finished a really long shift and was about to start another long shift at 7am the next morning. We dropped her off - drunk off her arse at about 2am. I was at Henrietta's alone. I always travel alone b/c my friends never have the time &/or money. It took a lot of talking to myself to get me to go into a bar alone in a different country.

But it was not her friend I was interested in - it was her of course. We hit it off pretty much straight away and I saw her for the last time on the Sunday morning, 11am at Astor Place where she dropped me off.

What I know about her:
* she was 31 ( i think)
* owned a Jeep
* lived in brooklyn near some sort of overpass. She was top floor at the top of the stairs (only 2 or 3 flights) & next door to an old man that was sweeping the sidewalk when we arrived at her place (at 3am??)
* was ultra-warm-bodied. She like to have the fan on full speed even though it wasn't hot.
* liked George Michael and Evanescense
* hadn't travelled o/s before & was too scared to since 9/11. She did travel to the west coast to see Barbara Streisand in concert, however.
* had 2 cats - BG and GG - bad girl & good girl (but their behaviour was opposite)
* liked sailing
* thought that shark attacks happened every day in Australia
* had a tattoo on her upper right arm
* work for the NYPD as a detective
* liked her egg whites
* ran 2 miles a day (or something like that)
* fried her computers hard drive
* wanted to start writing childrens books

What she knows about me:
* that I'm Australian & was travelling alone. She liked to call me Koala
* she knows my Aunts phone number in NYC b/c I put it in her mobile phone at the club under the name 'Ruth'. She wanted to put it under 'koala'.
* I was studying engineering
* I was going to Canada in 2 days
* i was 22

Why am I writing all this??
I am going to NYC in August this year & would very much like to meet up with her again. I haven't been able to get her out of my mind.

If you can help please contact me at daniim1@gmail.com. Thank you.

Jenny Shimizu on Jolie

2006-04-22T15:35:00.000+10:00

Why have I not heard of Jenny Shimizu 'til now?? I read an article (copied and pasted below) and since I hadn't heard of her went in search for some info.

Yummo!

Angelina Jolie and Jenny Shimizu met each other on the set of the 1996 movie Foxfire and became lovers. Angelina later said that "I would probably have married Jenny if I hadn't married my husband. I fell in love with her the first second I saw her." I don't know what husband Jolie had at the time and can't be bothered looking for it. All I know now is that I have to watch this movie. Why have I not heard of this movie 'til now? Isn't it great discovering things?

Ripped off this site:
Lesbian super-model Jenny Shimizu was discovered by a photographer when she was riding her motorcycle with her girlfriend in Los Angeles. She has definitely taken advantage of her fame. Jenny told 'Genre' magazine that "I've already been with every fine girl there is in the world. There's no one else. I've even French-kissed Christy Turlington."

Below are the women she's known to have been involved with one way or another:

Madonna: Both of them say there were only friends during that period when Jenny stayed at Madonna's Miami mansion and the two of them were seen everywhere together.

Ione Skye: Has said that it was Jenny who "brought her into the Lesbian nation." They met each other in 1995 and began a romantic relationship.

Angelina Jolie: They met on the set of the 1996 movie 'Foxfire' and became lovers.

I found out that Jenny is married to Rebecca Loos. They are shown here:

The article I read:
She may be having partner Brad Pitt's baby, but Angelina Jolie's first lesbian lover has sent out a veiled warning to Brad Pitt that his sexy 'Lara Croft' partner loves women too much to give them up.

Calvin Klein beauty Jenny Shimizu said that for Jolie, lesbian sex was as addictive as any potent drug.

"Angelina is an unbelievable lesbian lover. She loves women too much. It's like a drug and she was hooked. I was her first and although she's having a baby with Brad I doubt I'll be the last," the Newsoftheworld quoted her, as saying.

Shimizu added that Jolie's love for danger meant that she would never be able to be the perfect housewife.

"Angelina loves danger and dabbling in the dark side. That's where she gets her kicks—not playing happy families with one man. More to the point I Know how much she loves women.

"I don't want to sound like I hustle a**, but, for a while back then, if Angelina called, I'd drop everything and join her wherever she was in the world. It is her mouth that made me beg for more - kissing me passionately with those full lips over every inch of my body. It is unbelievable what she can do," she added.

Off to d/l Foxfire now...

My Mum and Ellen

2006-04-15T18:34:00.000+10:00

I am so happy of the fact that my Mum has progressed from the point where she used to change the channel when Ellen was hosting awards nights --> to now, where she records The Ellen Show everyday so we can watch it together after I come home from work. She even defends Ellen to her friends. Haha! I love it!

And no, she didn't have a change of heart because her daughter is a lesbian and she's trying to make an effort. She doesn't know I'm a lesbian. This progress is hers and hers alone with no external influences or forces. It makes me smile everytime I think about it. :)

It's been a while....

2006-04-01T14:37:00.000+11:00

Yes, I'm still alive. Work has taken over my life. That's what I get for wanting a good job.

So, I have nothing much to say. Nothing I'm mulling over - well that's not true. I touched a penis last saturday for the first time. OMG! What was I doing?? You guessed it - totally incapacitated by alcohol. Woah! Big time! It's taken me 24 years to touch a penis. And I don't want to do it again.

Another biggie --> even bigger than what I just said: in my drunken stupor (yes, still drunk at 7am sunday morning - told you I had a lot to drink) I told the friend I was out with that I didn't think I was totally straight. That I thought that I might be gay. This is my deepest secret and I told her that and that she is the first person to know. I also said that when I was sober that I would cringe knowing that I told someone my deepest secret. She was really cool about saying that I have o find out and that she thinks I probably am. I didn't think to ask her why she thought I probably was. Am I obvious? Does her gaydar ping? Anyway. Big step for me.

I'm 24 and I'm way deep in the closet. I'm suffocating in here. But I don't want to come out. What if I'm not gay? To make me feel better I'll post this for me to oogle.

I wonder if she'll need help getting the sand out of her ....
Okay, okay. I am gay.

The L Word Season 2 Finally Airs in Australia

2006-03-01T21:59:00.000+11:00

12:05am - that's 5 mins after midnight tonight - the 1st episode of the second season will air in Australia on Channel 7. Yee Ha! We've been waiting so long for this. Even though most of us have already seen season 2 and are currently watching season 3 together with our fellow americans, and even though it's on at such a shit time - I'm very happy.

Australians who are yet to see season 2 have the following to look forward to:
- a new intro
- shane's new haircut
- betty (gag! - you'll know what I mean later)
- Carmen
- angst
- no more Marina (boo hoo)
- Helena

Some funny moments...

New People...

New Relationships...

enjoy!

Ummm......Yeah...Well

2006-02-25T16:22:00.000+11:00

So I didn't take my camera last friday night. This means no pics from me. The less I carry the less I have to worry about. I like to shove things in my pockets not carry a handbag. Anyway, it was bloody awesome!! Packed!! Rockin'!! So, for now, they are the only thing I'm playing.

Got a job. 2 weeks ago now. Perfect for me. Good pay, good people, good job description, close to home. What more could I ask for? I find myself wanting to do extra work when I get home. Why? I never want to be that sort of person but here I am doing it - and because I want to, not because I have to. Weird. Oh, and I get to look at the most amazing pair of legs I have ever seen almost every day - depending on what she wears that day. *sigh* And there are stairs at work too. *sigh again* I'm just so fucking lucky. I hope things stay good for the rest of the year. It's about time good things start happening to me. I'm due.

Tegan and Sara - Sydney: Feb 17

2006-02-10T23:58:00.000+11:00

I'm so excited to be finally going to a Tegan and Sara concert! I know this is not their first time in Oz but when they did visit before I didn't really know/like them. But now! Yee Ha! Love 'em. I first heard of them via The L Word fan sites and then through The L Word episodes where their music is featured. If I remember to take my camera and don't loose it in the crowd I'll be sure to post some photos.

These ladies are SO big overseas - why not so much here? Well, that's Australia for you.

Some facts:

*They've released 3 albums:
1. So Jealous (2004)
2. If It Was You (2002)
3. This Business of Art (2000)

*They're ultra-talented

*They're twins

*They're bisexual for some people and lesbians for others.

*They're gorgeous!

See? Mmmmm.

Tegan and Sara website
The Gaelic Club website
Moshtix - buy tickets

Dannii Loves A Lap Dance

2006-02-07T23:25:00.000+11:00

Not in my own words:

Dannii Minogue has been 'caught' having 'lesbian' sex at London's lap dancing club. She now finds herself in the middle of a scandal - or a publicity stunt, depending on how cynical you’re feeling. She was caught on the club's security camera(CCTV).

The story goes that Dannii Minogue was watching a naked lapdancer at the Puss-In-Boots club and couldn’t stop her Sapphic instincts and well, if you can’t guess the rest here's an account given by a witness:

Dannii was having the time of her life and didn't care who saw. She wasn't in a private booth or the VIP area, she was on the dance floor. I can't believe how far they went. It was more like a porn film. There were hands and tongues everywhere-I thought it was going to turn into a full-on orgy.

Dannii Minogue is considering legal action after stills from the surveillance tape were published in Sunday's News Of The World (British Newspaper). Minogue is reported to be a regular at the club and took pole-dancing lessons there in preparation for her Put The Needle On It video in 2002.

I say: Big deal!
I also say: Whatever tickles your fancy Nancy!

Job Hunting + The L Word

2006-01-31T18:31:00.000+11:00

You know, as the days go by with this job hunting I can feel myself being ever-so-slowly pushed into the blues corner. Where the hell did all the graduate engineer jobs go in Sydney? And for all the ones I've applied to - where's my reply. If it's gunna be a 'No' let me know.

Eh, anyway.

Season 3 of The L Word is definitely perkier than Season 2 and, for me, has pushed the envelope once again. But.... something's missing. The episodes are over before I know it and I'm left with, well, nothing. Nothing really happens. The stories don't seem to grab me and leave me with a 'I-can't-wait-til-next-week-!!!' feeling. And the famously hott sex scenes we love to enjoy seem to have disappeared - 4 episodes in and nadda!

Why hasn't Australia, after showing season 1, shown season 2 yet? Find out why in this article and this article. You can read the responses of Allianz and Roche. Read more about the Religious Right group, Salt Shakers, who successfully campaigned against The L Word here.

at least I was honest...

2006-01-29T17:52:00.000+11:00

Well, I always knew I was lazy. I didn't really think I was that envious of others. Oh well.

Greed:	High
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Very High
Envy:	High
Lust:	High
Pride:	Medium

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Australia Day Fireworks

2006-01-29T15:17:00.000+11:00

Saw some good ol' suburban fireworks from my backyard on Australia Day. I used my digital camera to record some of it. Click on the pic below to see a tidbit. I think it's about 7Mb.

I turned the camera 90 deg to fit more in - little did I know it would capture it sideways. This is why the last part has fireworks falling from left to right. Gimme a break - I've never filmed anything before and I bought my first (and only) digital camera a few weeks ago.

Lesbian Movies

2006-01-26T03:45:00.000+11:00

I thought I'd list all the 'lesbian' movies I have in my collection - just for fun, and maybe to show off a bit. I've got torrents for all these if anyone wants them. So here goes:

1. Bound (classic)
2. High Art (classic - sad)
3. Better Than Chocolate (great)
4. But I'm A Cheerleader (fun-E)
5. D.E.B.S. (high school cool)
6. My Summer of Love (beautiful cinematography)
7. Lost and Delirious (angst)
9. Gia (sad, angst)
10. Monster (omg!)
11. Fingersmith (great!)
12. GirlPlay (ok)
13. Tipping the Velvet (great!)
14. Saving Face (good)
15. Desert Hearts (classic)
16. All Over Me (real good)
17. Go Fish (not all it's cracked up to be)
18. Fire
19. Fucking Amal
20. Lianna
21. Girlfriend
22. The Truth About Jane
23. Julie Johnson (good)
24. Shelter Island (omg! real bad acting. dont bother!)

Movies that have lesbians or have a bit of woman-on-woman lip-lock action:
1. Lackawanna Blues
2. Showgirls
3. Thirteen

TV shows
1. The L Word Season 1
2. The L Word Season 2
3. Wonderfalls Season 1 (there's a lesbian main character in this show - pity there's only 1 season) Currently showing n Ch9, Saturdays at 4:30pm. Ha-larious.
4. Currently d'l The L Word Season 3. It is airing on Showtime in the US every Sunday night at 10pm. As soon as it finishes airing I'm d/l'ing. Yay!

So there you have it. Why do the large majority of lesbian movies have to be all angsty, sad endings? After watching some of these films I start to feel seriously depressed. Got any movies that I don't? Let me know. And yes, I am missing a very important movie - If These Walls Could Talk 2. I haven't even seen it. I know, I know. I'll have it soon though.

I've got torrents that you might want. Email me: daniim1@gmail.com

Bit of a bummer

2006-01-24T23:32:00.000+11:00

It's quite disheartening when your closest friend has certain wrong impressions of you and what you think about certain things.

Example: I just got off the phone with Ali. She has a new friend of about 6-7 months who I haven't yet met. They've been doing everything together to the exclusion of our own little group of friends. I've often brought up the fact that we still havent met this nice new friend of hers and why the hell not? There's no answer forthcoming.

Anyway, I have the same birthday with this girl and Ali's trying to keep it separate while I think it'll be a good idea to combine the 2 groups and celebrate together, the more the merrier, get a chance to meet everyone, etc etc. This is the part of the conversation:

Ali: you do realise that all her friends are [insert ethnicity/race/other country here]?
Me: yeah I know, so?
Ali: well you said that you dont like [insert ethnicity/race/other country here]
Me: (I didnt say anything here - I was a bit stunned)

She just kept talking but I wasnt listening and she picked up on it. I told her that I don't think I've ever said that I dont like [insert ethnicity/race/other country here]and if I said something similar that she must have misinterpreted it. I am, as a matter of fact, of the same background. Well, the convo kept on about other things and I never got to sort it out properly.

It's when I got off the phone that I got the full impact of what she said. All this time - I dont know how long, years maybe - she has thought that I don't like [insert ethnicity/race/other country here]. It is so totally untrue. That is not me. That is not how I think. How can she NOT know me so well. It's disheartening.

So is this why she's avoided me meeting her friend?

This is not the first time I have felt that Ali's idea of who I am/what I feel/think about things is way off. It could be selective hearing, like she only takes certain parts of what I've said - sound bites - and adds that piece to her picture of me. What must she think of me? I am misrepresented to my own best friend. What could be worse?

I never get the chance to straighten things out. I either stay away to get over it, or don't say anything for fear of making it worse. It's a bummer.

Lesbians in Tennis

2006-01-22T23:02:00.000+11:00

Well, I don't really want to talk about lesbians in tennis. I want to make a comparison of a real-life tennis player with Dana - The L Word's tennis pro. Let's take a look at some photos:

Ok, I know TV is not 'reality', (except when it's reality TV), it's just a show, blah blah blah. Why can't they have the tennis player look like a tennis player? She's such a skinny arse! At least they got the trainer right (Season2, last episode):

Oooh mama! now she is hott! Buff, and exactly how I would expect a personal trainer to look. So how do I want my lesbian TV tennis player characters to look? Like this:

You know what I mean? A tennis players needs muscles - good strong legs, powerful arms, and hands that can... well, you get the idea. Feel free to click for larger images.

Hmmm, maybe I've got a bit of a crush on Amelie Mauresmo. She's just so yummy - and currently playing in the Aussie Open - so I can watch her on telly every time she plays. Mmmm.

Lesbian Fiction on the Internet

2006-01-21T14:11:00.000+11:00

I'm a big fan of reading lesbian fiction on the Internet. While it can often be of poor quality, it can also be damn good. And free.

It has taken me many years to find good sites that have stories worth reading. I googled and googled and googled. Once I found one site..well they usually linked to another and another. I started reading Radclyffes stories (for free) before she started publishing her own and other lesbian authors through Star Crossed Productions and Bella Books. A lot of good authors are now getting their (lesbian) fiction published. This means that they have taken their free stories off their sites and now post advertisements of their published works. You can still find them if you look hard enough. The published version is often revised and with some additions.

So how does it work? Stories that have been written and finished are on these sites. Some stories are a work in progress, ie authors publish new chapters/installments as they write them - sometimes weekly, sometimes monthly, sometimes...well sometimes life takes over and you're left in the middle of a really good story with no ending. Make sure you read stories that are marked 'Finished' unless you know the author is updating regularly.

These authors/writers love feedback. But, it has been my experience that they are only happy with feedback such as "oh my god! that was such a great story! i just fell in love with the characters straight away! please write more!". If you want to say something like "even though the story/installment was good, there were so many typos that I was destracted and I couldn't get into the story", BEWARE! they will attack you! Defending themselves with everything they have.

There is a lot of Xena fan fiction. Not my cup of tea. There is also quite a bit of mature lesbian characters - ie >40 y.o. Not my cup of tea either since I'm in my 20's and can't relate, and that's my parents age, etc, etc. There's a host of original fiction with 20-30 y.o. characters too, thank god. You will come across ALL sorts on the following sites:

Sites With Many Authors
The Athenaeum
They don't really have a What's New page, more like a reviewed updates page.

The Academy of Bards
Their What's New page. If you want original fiction only, they have a link for that.

The Sandbox
Every link opens in a new window. You may find this really friggin' annoying. Their Updates page.

E-Scribblers
There haven't been many updates in the last year but I like this site for the colours - not so bright to strain my eyes when reading for hours.

Author's Sites
I generally only go to an authors site because that is the first place they would post an update. I've only listed a handfull.
Mickey Minner
Robin Alexander
Melissa Good

Mailing Lists
I suggest you join Radclyffes mailing list. They have an Authors Challenge every week. This means you get a short story emailed to you weekly. Nice.

Finally...
If you can't be arsed to check out what's new on all the sites, go to this one. They tell you what's been updated and where it's been updated all on the one site. It used to be good but some new people have been doing the updates lately and it looks like it's only going to be a once a week thing. I want to know what's been updated at the same time it is updated - not a week later, because then it's not What's New anymore.

If you don't want Lesbian fiction exclusively you can read GLBT short stories. Go to Blith House Quarterly.

Much needed rain

2005-12-03T12:19:00.000+11:00

We finally had some much needed rain in Sydney this past week. And since I have a digital camera now I took some pics. Below is what it looked like from my back yard at about 6:45pm. About 10 mins later it started pissing down.

blue tongued lizard

2005-11-22T11:52:00.000+11:00

Well, so, it's been a while. I got myself a digital camera. finally. some birds were being mighty noisy about 10mins ago so I went outside to my backyard to see what all the fuss was about. seems they happened on a blue tongued lizard. what's a girl to do when she sees one of those right in front of her AND has a digital camera? you guessed it. here's a picture.

couldn't get one of it sticking it's tongue out - mighty fast and I woulda been squatting in front of it all day. also went and got a stick so i could poke it and it moved out of sight to the shade right parallel with a bit of wood. eeew, not into lizards - tiny ones are ok im used to that - they're everywhere in summer time bu that big fat ugly thing - was about 30cm long. what's that in inches? 11.8. thats almost a foot right? damn imperial system. metric system all the way!!

want to know more about the blue tongued lizard? go here.

ratbastard

2005-10-04T19:00:00.000+10:00

i don't know why the word ratbastard came into my head but it did.

it's 3 years to the day since my dad died. i had a uni group assignment and presentation due today. u can imagine how much work I did on this. great timing. it was #2 of a series of 3 assignments.

1st ass. i coordinated totally. final product = great.this ass. i didnt initiate anything. let's call the members of my group boy and girl and me. boy chose the topic for our 3 ass's. a really boring one that he knows everything about. girl and i baulked but eventually accepted (minority rule anyone?). so ass2 comes around and boy kind of coordinates. end result = shit house ob. grammatical and spelling errors. no intro, doesn't flow well. my part, well my part was lacking.

i go into uni today for the presentation. boy had earlier sent me an email letting me know that "sorry, but this isn't good enough. i've made some notes in red. please fix asap". uhh, yeah, ok. yes sir, right away sir. he tells me when i see him things like "i dont want to hear any excuses, im going to tell the marker to mark it individually so that i dont lose marks b/c of u, etc, etc". i didnt say much. if thats what he wants to do then fine. who's he to talk to me like a child?

make it to the presentation room and im not handling it well. im drinking my water trying to calm down but my hands are shaking s'thing severe and i have to concentrate on my breathing/almost quivering. look, i know that i didnt do much but based on my performance for ass1, it's forgiveable. i've been in plenty of groups where 1 member has failed to do the work. i don't dob on them. i fix their work and get on with it b/c i want the marks. ok, so they get the marks too but i know later on in life they're not gonna get that far.

so i couldnt handle it. i mumbled something about giving up my 10 marks to girl and left. left them to do the presentation. said i'd email the marker about not marking boy and girl down because of me. and i did. not looking forward to doing ass3.

woah. im so not emotional. i left, went to the toilets and cried. i have never ever in my life done anything like this before. i don't know what it is. is it my periods? is it my dad's death? is it boy talking to me like that? is it any of the possible combos from those 3 options? i couldnt even stop crying on the train home. sooky baby. sooky la la. im embarassed.

i dont like using my dad dying on my poor effort for ass2. but it's a good excuse. i could also use these excuses:
*went out saturday night and got so drunk that sunday was spent recovering.
*went to the oktoberfest monday.
*didn't have a fucking clue what i was doing even though i read everything there is to read on the whole fucking world wide web.
*it's my last semester at uni and i couldnt be bothered to do it.
*i wanted to ruin the assignment that he was coordinating. like trump's 'the apprentice'. he was the leader, the group failed b/c of me. he gets fired.
*im sure i can think of some more excuses.

i want revenge. i know i won't be able to get it now. i do like to think that sometime in the future boy will be looking for a job, desperately, and i will be the one that interviews him (or sits in on it anyway) and have the final say and say "no, sorry you're not what we're looking for". ratbastard.

Redneck Tuesday

2005-09-20T16:11:00.000+10:00

I was out and about today. Nobody told me it was redneck tuesday, but by golly, it surely was.

On another note. If you want to see He-man singing 4 non-blondes then click on the picture below. Real funny stuff.

turn it up

2005-09-10T18:04:00.000+10:00

today was the first day in 3-4 months that I did not have to wear a jumper. it's great! summer is on it's way. I love the heat. love it love it. but i know it'll get cold again. it is only the beginning of spring after all.

i actually wore a singlet today. had to change the oil in my car. it ran out of rego yesterday. they've got nothing to do with each other but i always know when the last time i changed the oil was.

the car is slowly going to shit. mostly because i don't know how to fully maintain it. i can do some things but at the moment all the things that need to be done - i don't know how to do: rust prevention and removal, changes brakes, and most importantly because i can feel it's pain when i change gears - changing the transmission oil.

i guess i'll have to pay for all that stuff. dad taught me a lot before he died but i never thought he wouldn't have the time to teach me the rest - and neither did he. I wish he was here to show me.

in deeper

2005-08-31T22:48:00.000+10:00

i have no idea why i did what i did today.

im disenchanted with my job. only hanging on til i finish my degree (3 more months) and then i hightail it out of there. im doing no good work, arriving late, getting shit pay and feel like shit when im there. so this is what i did...

i approached the boss of the other division and said that im not doing much work and that i could work for him until he finds a replacement for the girl leaving on friday. why the fuck did i do that??? this means getting up earlier, actually doing work, dealing with customers (!!!) and being cheery to them about it all. oh my god! i can't pull that off! and for 3 more months. oh shit.

maybe it'll get me out of the funk im in by forcing(motivating) me to do constructive things.

Lollies make you sick

2005-08-27T15:25:00.000+10:00

Well, kind of. Everytime I eat starburst lollies I come down with a nasty cold. I can't be entirely sure though, I'll need to write it down to see (and I am now). I think last year the same thing happened - ate Starburst lollies then got sick. If it is the culprit, what is in it that would make me sick?

Monday - I stuffed my face with 1 packet of Starburst jelly babies. Yum!
Tuesday - my lungs hurt when I coughed. I had to test this out because I didn't have the urge to cough.
Wednesday - eyes start to randomly water, but only one at a time
Thursday - turn on the nostril water works
Friday - same as thursday, add in a bit of *huhumm* clearing of the throat.
Saturday - now I blow out yellow snot, water, and can even snort and hack it out of my mouth. Nice.

I have a heavy face, stiff body, and make little mewling noises every now and again. I have a presentation on Monday. I'm sure the audience will enjoy it.

I haven't lost my apetite though.

And there I was last week about to celebrate the fact that I lasted through winter without getting sick.

train station sounds

2005-08-24T22:49:00.000+10:00

i like the sound of many feet on the steps at redfern station. it's especially satisfying standing under them during peak hour. train pulls up, clangity clang chang ching! people running. heavy sounds as people try to climb up them. some sort of aluminium non-slip things on the edge of each stair.

servicing the ladies

2005-08-23T22:46:00.000+10:00

I had to tell a guy at uni that yes, women do indeed produce fluid when having sex. that yes, women do ejaculate, and yes women do cum.

how can he have a girlfriend and not know that??? i feel so sorry for his girlfriend. i told him to go away and research it on the internet and he came back a few days later telling me he found nothing he didn't already know. he even asked another male friend that was just as clueless as him and this one has had a girlfriend for 3 years now!

What is going on? Why are all these women suffering? Don't they know there's more to it?

i figure that i'm indirectly helping the straight female population by making their boyfriends feel sexually inadequate. if i tell these guys that they are totally pathetic for not knowing that a woman can "produce fluids while having sex/climaxing" (and they are if they dont), then they'll feel like shit and make more of an effort.

i wonder how many ladies out there don't know what they're missing? poor things.

something wrong with this picture

2005-08-21T13:27:00.000+10:00

I have 3 close friends, we're a group of 4 and consider ourselves true friends and lifelong friends. One of them calls me and tells me what she's done over the weekend - activities of which I was not a part of nor invited to. She talks for about 10-15 minutes of who she went with (her other friends) and where she went, what she ate, who she saw, etc. etc.

She asks me "so, what have you been up to?" and I reply with the truth "nothing. you know, uni and work, and that's all I have to report". For some reason she found this funny and started laughing. So, what is wrong with this picture? It's funny that she spoke for ages and I had nothing to say??

Can't people that it's wrong to tell others all about their wonderful weekend when the other person was not asked to join in? She knows that if I didn't go out with her that I didn't go out at all.

Quit fucking telling me about the wonderful shit you do if I didn't decline an invitation to do it with you!

just random shit

2005-08-13T13:15:00.000+10:00

I thought I'd have my title include something that a few blogs have been talking about - shit. When people don't know what to blog about - well, just get your ideas from someone elses blog. I did talk about toilets about a week ago so I think enough's enough.

Kind of hard to help someone via email. It would be so much easier face-to-face or even on the phone. All the things you want to say would take up a novel if you have to write it down. And there's no dialog so you're doing a lot of guess work. And you can't answer any "what did she mean by that??" comments, and you can't include a tone in your email either so they may read things totally the wrong way. So you just do your best and write a summary and hope to fuck they don't misread it. 2 paragraphs should cover it.

Maybe I should tell her to meet me in New York for Christmas and then we'll go back to hers in Hamburg for New Years. It all seems too far away but you know how time flies. And I really have to see her. 3 years is way too long. And we need each other to drag each of us out of our depressive states. Depressed for totally different reasons but depressed all the same.

OK I should go write to her now.

days and dates

2005-08-05T13:58:00.000+10:00

when a personal life changing event happens i dont know whats more important - the day or the date. It's just that since it is so significant, and you remember every single detail, the one date doesn't feel enough.

im talking about death here. so my dad dies on 4th October, 2002 on a Friday at 7.10am - ish. So every 4th of any month is an automatic reminder and is a mini milestone. but every 1st friday of every month is also an automatic reminder and mini milestone. i know that it doesn't have to be one or the other, but i feel like it has to be. maybe it's just something i can think about, when i do think of my dad, to not have to think of other dad associated things - like actually dealing with it.

talking about milestones - or rather, anniversaries - it's not just every 1st friday and every 4th of every month, but all of october, every family members birthday, every summer, every easter, every christmas, every fucking thing. every fucking little insignificant thing hundreds of times a day.

so when people come and give their support on the 4th of october (or the weekend following) that once a year thing is bullshit. yes, it is a day to say 'oh it's been x years already' or 'it's only been x years?', but it's bullshit all the same.

Mo Fo's

2005-08-04T12:59:00.000+10:00

My internet restriction at work has increased as of this week. I don't
know if it's just me alone or everybody. I can't access any of my
regular sites, I can't access Blogger and BlogThis! does not work
either.

Man! Little by little I'm really starting to hate this job. Like,
really hate this job. It's making me depressed. I'm
going in late, leaving early and surfing the web all day (well, not so
much now). But the motherfuckers can't stop me from blogging. No!
There's a nice work around - I can post via my Email.

Oh, how I love getting around restrictions - of any kind. I wouldn't
really care if I wasn't restricted - but the fact that I am makes me
really want whatever it is that they're trying to take away
from me. It makes me think laterally, which can only be a good thing.
I've been finding work arounds for years.

My parents, when I was 10 to early teens, used to take the aerial/antenna cable
out from behind the tv when they left me home alone. Dad didn't care -
it was Mum that didn't want me watching it. She wanted me to clean the
house. Not a simple clean but a full vacuum, dust, toilet, bathroom,
kitchen floor kind of clean. And it was to be "finished by the time I
get back." So what did I do? I spent the whole time trying to get that
tv to work. Searched the house inside-out, upside-down. If I didn't
find a spare I'd try make one. I always ended up watching tv.

Aargh

2005-08-02T00:46:00.000+10:00

Uni's started again. It's shit. Had 1st lecture for 1 subject today. Way too hard for a 1st lecture. I know I'm gonna die over this subject. Tomorrow I see what my other subject is like. I hope it's piss easy. So glad I don't have to do anymore of this uni shit after 4 months. The whole fucking thing depresses me.

Added a random, daily puzzle generator. Don't know if it's any good because I haven't checked out any of the puzzles yet, I just cut and paste the code. It's 12.39am and I'm bored, don't want to sleep and stumbled on the site www.fooble.com. I wanted to use their stuff. They've also got this random blog entry generator. If you can't think of anything to write about, use it and you could have an entry like this:

I resent my uncle Julio. Often he is really demented, then a couple of days ago he just uninterested me... I needed his years of training reading a book about education of the European lowlands, but then he started bitching:

"No kidding?! I am so sick of hearing about the European lowlands all the time!"

At first I answered "DUDE!" and then the next day I just stopped yelling. After all, he *is* my uncle and all he cares about is my own good...

or this:

Today I was writing an essay about luck on the African subcontinent. I was really disgusted by the subject, so I began explaining my friend Lizzie about it, and she screamed:

"Whoa!.. Damn! I love the African subcontinent so much!"

But then when I got to the part about the luck, Lizzie suddenly got this dangerous look in her eyes. And then later, Lizzie's brother told me that the reason Lizzie was so freaked out was because she had to study luck in class. Sometimes Lizzie can be quite difficult to handle like that, but she wants what is best for me...

That is some funny shit.

over it

2005-07-29T10:49:00.000+10:00

I'm officially over the whole coffee woman thing.

Went in today and she's sporting a new look - a pretty funky haircut. I say (yes, I said something) "I really like your hair" after I've paid and ready to leave. Her reply was "ok, thanks" and directed at the cash register. Either she didn't hear me and made an automatic reply or she did hear me. Obviously wasn't going anywhere.

Either way I'm not going back. By not going back I will be saving $220.50 from now til the end of the year. That's my consolation. Unless of course I go down the road a bit to the funky cafe there - no nice friendly atmosphere (I think - never been there) - but you never know.

I figured out why I could never say anything. She's extroverted - loud, friendly and I sorta go into my shell a bit around people like that - until I get to know them and then I'm the same. But I was never going to get to know her.

Uni starts next week. Yay - only a 3 day working week for me! (but less money - boo!)

Toilets

2005-07-28T13:14:00.000+10:00

The place where I work has a manufacturing side and an office side. Because of this we have a lot of toilets. I know I'm not the only one here who does this but I have 'researched' all of these toilets and ranked them. I've got one favourite that I love to use. If that's been used there's a second-best toilet I like, and so on.

Go on - admit it! You do the same thing.

These are they types of toilets we have:

a single toilet with basin and mirror with 1 entry door straight from the hall (2 of these and my favourite)

3 toilet stalls, 1 basin, no mirror. My most disliked.

1 marked Staff Only (so visitors don't go in or so manufacturing workers don't go in??) That is long and narrow - straight ahead lead to the toilet with full length door (i.e. not a stall), off to the right are about 8 lockers and 1 basin, no mirror. I usually avoid this.

Another large group of toilets in 2 sections. Straight up there's 2 stalls, 2 basins, 2 mirrors. You can close the door off for this section. If you walk around to the back part you come across 8 stalls/basins/mirrors. This is my second-best. I also have a favourite stall - 3rd from the end.

Why do we bother with a favourite toilet? It's so stupid. Sometimes I only ever want to use my fave and wait hours for it to be free. Every time it's busy I try again in 20 minutes. Unhealthy, but worth it for some reason. If I do end up waiting xhours for it I do end up spending about 15 minutes in there. I just love it.

Do some yoga!

2005-07-26T10:23:00.000+10:00

This happened this morning while I was waiting for the bus to work. A couple of men tried to flag down a taxi. The taxi slowed down but didn't stop - unsure if the guys were actually flagging it down and not just waving or whatever. The men thought it was stopping and started to walk towards it but for some reason it sped off.

Pissed off, one of the men gave it the finger and shouted "fucking cunt". At the same time a little old lady wheeling her trolley bag behind her walked past him, and hearing this said in a not-too-happy tone "Do some yoga!"

The men were stunned. I laughed.

BG becomes nice

2005-07-20T21:27:00.000+10:00

I think I might start a little social experiment.

Generally I'm quite frank, I'd rather say things how they are without sugar-coating any of it. I don't keep my mouth shut when I should and frequently say 'inappropriate' things to people. Let's just say I'm 'rough around the edges'. At the same time I joke around a lot and this means that people don't know how to take what I say - serious or not. When people think of me the word 'nice' definitely does not pop into their head. Here's what I'm gonna do:

1. Bite my tongue when I think of something 'funny'
2. Smile and nod my head when someone is being a dickhead - don't go in for an argument
3. Do overly-nice things for people so they feel uncomfortable at my niceness but pleased all the same
4. Always agree with people - take a passive role in everything
5. Not tell anyone what I'm doing

I think I'll try this 'til the end of the year. It totally goes against everthing I am so it will be hard - but that's the point, no fun in it being easy.

How will I know that the experiment has worked? That's easy - when someone refers to me as being 'nice'.

cant think of a title

2005-07-18T20:03:00.000+10:00

Isn't she gorgeous! I just thought I'd put a pic of her up to remind myself of what I'm missing by not seeing her on the L Word anymore. She does have a role on The 4400 though, and that's about to start showing soon. I also wanted to try out Bloggers picture thingy - it's much quicker and hassle-free than using Picasa and/or Flickr, especially for someone that does not have m/any photos.

Went in for coffee on friday. She was there. Had to give her a brief reminder of what my usual is....AND she gave me a perfect intro to what would have been our first conversation and you guessed it - i stuttered. I dont stutter. WTF? She said "I havent seen you for a while, I was wondering what happened to you." Perfect intro right? I was really happy that she noticed that my mouth started working while my brain was occupied with 'wow, she noticed. i feel special.'
"I havent. I havent. (got slightly pissed off with myself and then said...)I took some time off work". great. I couldve rambled on about my thesis and why I took time off work, etc etc. Maybe next time. I keep forgetting my confidence under my bed. I know it's there somewhere. I'll find it soon.

Uni marks are back. Passed everything. Would have liked a better mark for thesis - something that reflects my effort. Oh well, its over. Back to uni week after next and bye bye uni at novembers end.

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine

2005-07-13T23:29:00.000+10:00

I've changed the look and title of this blog.

my old title - 'way to go, mr microphone' had absolutely nothing to do with my blog or url or me - besides my love and adoration for tori of course. I know, I know - this is gonna cause big disasters. Every link out there on the WWW will need to update. Can you imagine the chaos this will cause? I will write a list of ALL the people that have linked to me and then you will understand what I'm trying to say here. OK, list is below:
-Connielingus.

Whoah! See what I mean? Chaos!

I've been wanting to change it for a while and only now have the time - I completed my thesis and have oodles and oodles of hours to waste away. Just waiting for the results. 2 more subjects to do next semester and then I graduate! Everyone has told me that uni/college is/was the best part of their life - I thiink it's been the worst for me. I'll be so fucking happy to get out of there.

Also changed the template of this blog. It was a pretty standard one before and so many people use it - I was getting sick of it. It's the only good black one they've got. I am now using another template but have modified it. I like it - for now.

This is the 2nd week back at work for me. Haven't worked a full 5 days since february and I'm not liking it. They don't have much work for me to do at the moment and the work they do have - I don't want to do it. Got paid for last week so my bank balance has increased. I took a month off to do uni assessments and managed to dwindle my savings to $0.44 - looks like I'll be going in for some coffee this week.

that dicky quote as a heading is not mine - its Robert C. Gallagher's - whoever the fuck he is.

bzzzzz bzz bzz bzzzzzzzzzzz

2005-07-12T23:28:00.000+10:00

I just stumbled upon Hothouse and was interested to learn about the history of the vibrator. Have a quick lesson now.

fucking bastards

2005-07-07T21:12:00.000+10:00

i wont go on and on.
im so fucking angry.
and so fucking sad. crying just makes me feel more helpless.

fuck off! what the fuck do u want?

there will be investigations as to how the 'system' failed.
It seems they are well prepared to handle an aftermath - but not good enough for prevention.
i would've thought the world has learnt from the mistakes and experiences of the US.

hate breeds hate breeds hate breeds hate.
extremism is rising - on both sides.
the rest will be called fence-sitters and sneered at.

stranger interaction

2005-07-05T21:49:00.000+10:00

I reckon the most interesting thing in life is stranger interaction. It makes our lives a little less structured, gives an otherwise dull day a splash of colour.

Now, I know some people dislike interacting with strangers and try to avoid it at all costs. I quite like it, although never initiate it as I'm a bit of an introvert. Just a comment here or a gesture there and it can either make your day or totally change your life. Or it could just be a comment that for some reason you have just never forgotten.

Sometimes people say just the right thing at the right time and you make a life altering decision because of it. You, yes you, have most likely, and very uknowningly done this (either prompted a life altering decision or said something that has stuck in someones head for years) for someone else - and you will never ever know it. That person will never ever forget you.

I can't decide if this is a good thing or not but I do think that the possibility that you have impacted a strangers life is absolutely wonderful! It is especially wonderful since it's been done unwittingly and anonymously.

I'll end this with a little of my own stranger interaction via text messaging.
This was on my way home from work today. It has not impacted my life greatly, but it did prompt me to write this entry, and my boring dull day ended up being just a little less so.

M=Me, S=Suz

S: Hey there litl lady!How u goin up in sunnyland?!Its gota b tough! Thinkin o ya
hope the boy good!Hurry up n get ya tartin arse bak down here!I think i mite b p
(2:28:23pm)
S: Woops!Pressed wrong button!Yeh got new fone!Bout time eh?!K u have fun..Flip
it.Xx
(2:30:35pm)
M: Do I know u? Do u know me?
(4:39:59pm)
S: Ya dik!Its suz!
(4:42:08pm)
M: Huh? Who?
(4:44:06pm)
S: Is this nina?
(4:44:59pm)
M: uh no. But it was nice msg'ing u. Enjoy yr new phone.
(4:46:18pm)
S: Ha!Sorry!Thanx!
(4:47:07pm)

get it out

2005-06-12T01:28:00.000+10:00

i have to get this out of my head right now before it starts doing me damage.

i msg penny friday night and she msgs back tonight (saturday) telling me that shes going to babysit her sister (17yo) while her dad goes on a date. her dads idea not hers because she had to come back home from lesbianville (where she goes every weekend for the whole weekend). so she msgs me that she'll be here and that i should come over. she just lives down the road.

im in the middle of writing a thesis and its major major crunch time. i drop everything and go to her house and come home now at 1:30am. i wasted the whole fucking night just so i can go see her and nothing even comes of it. we get on like a house on fire but i think she's put me in her 'do not touch' basket. she has never, not even once, even hinted at making a move on me. why fucking not? why do i keep staying longer than i tell myself i will? i can answer that one - b/c i think if i give it a bit more time that s'thing might happen.

when i think im over her (and that only happens after not seeing her for 6 months) i go running at the first contact she makes. i know why she wanted me over - she didnt like that she had to come back from lesbianville (shes going back tomorrow) to babysit her sister so she thought that she'll 'catch up' with me and have me over so she's not bored out of her fucking brains. used me. and i knew this and i went anyway. will i ever be able to stop myself?

in exile

2005-06-09T01:23:00.000+10:00

im in exile. not from my country though, but from my life. for the past 2 months (and for another 3 weeks) i have been removed from my life.

im writing my thesis. well, i haven't actually written 1 word yet and its due in 2 weeks. i have done all the research and the practical part of it - and thats working (for now)so im happy with that part. throw a couple of final exams in the mix and this semester will officially be over by 1st july. then maybe i can re-join my life again.

my friends have stopped calling, i havent gone out in woah! too long, and i have such a longing for beer its not funny - but i need to keep a clear head. its kind of good that my friends have disappeared for a while - no distraction and some peace from the constant re-telling of every conversation from every bitchy co-worker, every bloody day. it drives me insane! im glad that i dont work with women. they bring too much emotional shit into the work day, it feels like they are always competing against you in who-knows-what, are on the defence constantly and they throw a pre-emptive strike every now and again (kinda sounds like the good ol' USA to me).

that aside, the most exciting thing to happen in my life is that i bought a new chair to sit on in front of my computer. a thick, high-backed, tilt-able, 'executive' chair. makes me feel important. unfortunately, theres no-one i can exercise this importance on.

i wont be seeing coffee lady a while due to uni commitments, ive taken a month off work. coffee lady pissed me off last week. i walk in, she asks 'large coffee?' i say 'yes'. then im out of there and start drinking it - no sugar!! what the fuck? where is my fucking sugar? she *knows* i take 2 sugars. do i have to explicitly ask her after all this time? if she takes the liberty to confirm what i want before i even ask for it then make it properly - dont think you're cool because you know what i want - and then make it wrong!! fuck that. it pissed me off. im glad i wont be seeing her for a while. im expecting her to be extra happy when i come back and i expect her to get my order right.

i need to get out more.

interesting time frame

2005-05-20T23:36:00.000+10:00

theres an aussie guy in iraq whos been taken hostage. so an aussie muslim leader goes over there to secure his release. they reckon they're making progress. one of the aids to the aussie muslim leader has arrived back in australia and says this about his release:

"We feel he is alive and for me, I think 95 per cent this will be within one week or less or more," he said.

huh? 1 week. or less. or more. come on man! just say you dont know when they'll release him. and that quote -> u r 95% sure he'll be alive in 1 week? more 'huh?'.

onto other news...i totally fucked up with the coffee lady. i go in and she's just about to start making me my coffee cause shes seen me.
Me: ah, no.
Me: i think ill have something different today.
Her: ok
Me: um, ill have a hot chocolate
Her: ok

i mean, how smooth was i? i was supposed to ask for a recommendation, or ask how good the hot chocolate was before actually ordering it. oh, and i gave my order to the counter and not to her. thats right, my attempt at a conversation was made totally without eye contact, and directed squarely at the counter. it's like i started to try and make convo but couldn't go through with it and ended up sounding like a dick. i could've just said 'ill have a hot chocolate today thanks" instead of adding that other shit. fucking dickhead. and why cant i look at her when im talking? maybe some dutch courage would help...but it'd be too early in the morning, and not a good idea before work. im doomed. she did ask how i was and i mumbled s'thing back that im sure she didnt hear so she prob thought i ignored her question, and she's a nice clear, nice sound level, talker. yes im droning on. get over it, i know.

no conscience?

2005-05-17T18:57:00.000+10:00

why dont i feel bad that im totally and utterly misleading her. what did i name her again? yeah, Penny. So right this very minute (and the past 10) we are having an online convo and she thinks shes just met me and im, well im being myself, and i know she likes me. and i dont feel bad AT ALL. although at the beginning of this dialogue my heart rate did increase and i got a hot flash or two.

i just have to be careful not to be too me, and not repeat stuff ive said before to her that she'd remember and when i talk to her next, also to not repeat what this 'other' person has said.

i know. im doing what a typical 16yo would do. but i can justify this to myself by saying: i didnt do this sort of thing when i was 16, so thats why im doing it now. i need to get it out of my system, and better now than in 5 or 10 years time.

on another note: the final ep of season2 the l word was, as many ppl have been saying, good as an episode but shit as a finale. and i totally *hated*, for what felt like most of the episode, the musical performances. get them off! i wanna see the lives of the characters. i wanna see some acting dammit! and yes, i do think that we are having BETTY forced down our throats (or, in our ears). it's making me dislike them a lot.

coffee update

2005-05-14T13:59:00.000+10:00

Mission 1 = find out the name of the gorgeous woman who makes my coffee >> I don't think this will ever happen. I still hardly say anything to her since she knows exactly what I want already. In fact, I now say less than before - I walk in, she sees me, we greet each other with good morning, she makes it, I pay and we say thank you/goodbye. Not going well at all. Need some tactics.

Mission 2 = find out her roster. This is going a bit better. She definately doesn't work on Mondays. She definately works on Thurs and Fris.

Must stop wasting time writing this, and get on with my thesis...

the flying phlegm

2005-05-12T13:50:00.000+10:00

This morning, on the bus on the way to work, I saw something that has happened to me a few times, happen to someone else.

A man in his 20's sneezed and must have seen something go flying. For the next 5 minutes or so he was looking for his flying phlegm - on his hands, pants, shirt, the back of the seat in front of him. I know I've done this before and it's quite frustrating when you never find it. Where the hell did it go? Is it where someone else will be able to see it? Will they be thinking that I can't take care of myself? etc, etc..

By the time I got off the bus, he still hadn't found it.

oh man!

2005-05-06T12:10:00.000+10:00

I swore I'd never do this because it is so irritating. Never say never...

Your Brain is 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

You Are 55% Normal
(Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

OK. So why am I so in the middle? Don't I know who the fuck I am? Nah, I think I'm just a bit of everything. It's probably why so many people find it hard to pigeon-hole me - 'cause I fit everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I found some quotes by Theodore Rubin, some playwright guy. I like them. In no particular order:

*"I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."

*The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.

*There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

Fuck

2005-05-04T15:32:00.000+10:00

You know, I need a really good fuck. All this maturbation is getting to be boring. I really need me some loving from another human being. Rosie Palm don't count. Maybe I need a girlfriend so I can get fucked on a regular basis. And I ain't gonna get no girlfriend (yes, i used a double negative) being in-the-closet. Who wants a gf thats not out? It'd be too restrictive for them and I ain't gonna come out no time soon so I aint gonna get a gf no time soon. This means that masturbation will have to continue.

Repeat after me: masturbation is your friend

Borderline Personality Disorder

2005-04-30T16:53:00.000+10:00

I think I need to give a name to the person I said I was in love with in the first few posts. Lets call her Penny. So I was messaging Penny this evening and somehow she tells me that "Apparently so i have been told.. i have some sort of borderline personality disorder...".

OK. So I go and do some quick research. (I love you google!) The symptoms explain a lot of what might have caused our 'relationship/friendship' to suddenly stop (an explanation other than my behaviour one drunken night). It explains why she doesn't pick up her phone when i *know* that it's right in front of her. Explains her lies. Explains other comments she has made.

I feel like my responses/reactions to these events and conversations were all kind of wrong now. Maybe they would have been different. Maybe I would have stopped making about me - why doesn't she like me anymore? aren't i good enough? etc, etc?. Maybe I should stop making it about me, but it still hurts me - the rejection.

I kind of feel like the whole thing was a lie. If everything she has ever said to me was said because she thought that it was what I wanted to hear - then it would all be lies. Does she really have those feelings/thoughts/likes/dislikes. What's true and what's not? So parts of what she said were really from her, who *she* is and not who she thinks I want her to be?

*frustration* *confusion* *helplessness*

I think now that the only true thing I know about her, that I know isn't being made up is the BPD and her actions/reactions because of it. Her non-verbal actions are hers, I know. i.e. not answering the phone. Her voiced feelings of the fucked up mess that's in her head.

Oh! But I just want to hold her.

Check out this website

see you later

2005-04-23T15:26:00.000+10:00

I walked in there today and she was working. Yay. Before I could even ask she says 'large coffee take away?' and 'two sugars?' and I think I nodded or said 'yes' or 'please' or 'that's right'. One or two of those anyway.

So this is no special thing just for me. I've googled them and some customer comments said 'when you walk in they already know what you want' or something along those lines anyway. So I get my coffee and pay and say thank you and leave and as I'm leaving she says 'see you later' and I'm already half way to the door and I say 'by-ye' but I don't turn around and I don't think I said it loud enough.

Now that she knows what I want - I think I'll mix it up a bit. Maybe I'll get a hot chocolate or ask her to suggest something. It's a good way to say something more than 'hi' 'coffee' 'sugar' 'take away' '$3.30' 'thank you' 'see you later' 'bye' which is the total words we say. Every day.

Anzac Day on Monday so it's a long weekend. I so have to get up to my speed with my thesis. I've done nothing! I hope that by Tuesday I'll have the MCU talking to my ZB-Performance program. Fingers crossed.

You know who else I have silent communication with in Sydney? (Where else? this is where I live and the only place I've ever lived) One of the buskers in that tunnel that goes from Central station to Broadway. She used to play Monday and Thursday nights and I used to see her when I was on my way home from Uni. I think she played maybe 2 or 3 different songs and that was it but I always gave her a dollar or two. We used to grin like idiots when we saw each other - especially after not seeing each other for a week or 2. So imagine seeing her again about 1 month ago. I was happy. She didn't see me until Wednesday afternoon (just gone). We made eye contact and smiled like idiots again. Then I looked away and back again and she was still looking at me and i kept grinning. But sorry honey - I'm poor now.

I want to talk to her one day. The thoughts going through my head on this topic are that I'll see her when I'm drunk and just go and sit next to her while she's playing and start talking to her. And maybe give her some $$ for the $$ she might have lost while talking to me. She's cute. I like her. I had the Shuffle on full blast though so I didn't hear what she was playing. I hope it was something different.

the woman that makes my coffee

2005-04-22T16:07:00.000+10:00

I work 3 times a week. Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays. Sometimes on these days I will go and buy a coffee from the cafe across the street from the bus stop.

I have been arriving at work almost 2 hours late for the past 5 months. No-one has said anything. My boss hasn't either. He's an easy going boss. Tells you what to do in such a good way that you feel like you want to do the job, and he's very approachable.But i'm just waiting for him to say something about my lateness because if he doesn't then I don't think i'll ever motivate myself, on my own, to make it in to work on time. And I'm not late because I dont like work - I love my work and I like the people I work with. It's just that it's been 5 months!! and it's kinda hard to change my sleeping pattern and morning routine. Good excuse yeah? It so easily changeable - but I just don't want it enough and don't care enough, and it seems others don't care enough either.

So even though I am 2 hours late I will still stop off at this coffee shop. I'll order my coffee, take a seat, watch my bus arrive, look around the shop, see my bus leave, pay for my coffee, walk out the shop, cross the road and wait for the next bus. Making me buy this coffee makes me at least 10 minutes later. So why do I do it? Because of the woman that makes my coffee.

This isn't a busy cafe - well it is at times but it's not. It feels very cosy, even though there's space and it feels very 'family'. Everyone's a regular and everyone comes in and says hi to this woman by name and she'll answer them back by name and either she or they will say 'the usual/?'. I haven't seem the same person twice so this is a lot of people that are regulars.

So she's not the only one working there. Mostly it's either her (why haven't I caught her name yet? - this will be my new mission) or this other good looking, friendly guy. If it's neither of them it might be some random guy, maybe a girl, but I think this has only happened maybe once or twice. So I want to work out her roster because I only want to get a coffee to see her. If I had more money I really wouldn't care because the coffee is damn good at this place. But I would like to minimise my lateness yet maximise my coffee-woman time. Yeah, I like the sound of that. Maybe that's another mission.
Mission 1 = find out her name. (Then what? I'm gonna say 'hi blah, the usual please' ?? I don't think so)
Mission 2 = find out her roster. (Is there a roster? Maybe there is but it seems like a place where nice-guy and her would swap shifts on a regular basis due to whatever personal stuff comes up).

What made me write here today about this? Well, this is a gay cafe. The cook, owner, nice guy and....coffee-woman! Gee, what a stupid nickname I've given her. Oh well, lack of creativity = shit nickname. For now. Maybe I'll write about it next time with her real name. My subject will be 'mission accomplished!' Oh gee, I'm getting worse! somebody stop me! oh gosh, cringe. Really, please, stop it!!!!

Ok, I think I could be classified as a regular because they smile at me because they recognise me. There's no small talk though. If there was I would so stuff it up. I'd mumble and say something stupid because I think I have to be funny/witty/say more than I really need to - and then I'll just embarass myself. I don't see how I'll ever talk to them if small talk isn't involved at some point. Anyway, I ordered my coffee and she said '2 sugars, right?' and didn't ask me if it was going to be a take-away. I've never ordered anything but a take-away yet she kept asking me - until today. And then when she handed me my change and I was receiving it with my right hand and picking up my cup with my left hand I glanced up for a second and she was looking at me - it sounds so nothing - but this look....man! It was only a fraction of a second yet it was this deep strong look that we gave each other - right through each other. It made me smile today every time I remembered it. There was another customer who had her coffee already made except that I was paying for mine first, so you'd think that as soon as the change was in my hand that her attention would already have moved on.

She looks like meg ryan. I don't like meg ryan - her characters, her, whatever, i don't know what it is but I don't like her. But I like this lady. Beautiful blue eyes. Maybe 30? I'm 23 so that's not bad. And I know she's a lesbian becuase once when I came in this gay guy was saying to her '...she's just perfect for you', trying to set her up - so I assume she's still single. Everyone says I have nice big brown eyes. So I hope she saw and thought that too. Can you guess where I'll be going tomorrow morning? That's right. I hope she's working. I get ready in the morning trying to look good because I know that she'll see me. omg! I can't believe I do that! Oh well, it's a good reason to make sure I look good generally. And I've gotten a haircut, which looks damn good on me and I put on a touch of eye-liner too. I used to walk in and get a coffee and look like shit. Now I look a lot better, maybe thats why she's taken an interest. Hey! Who said she's taken an interest???

I've gotten way ahead of myself now. If she's not in tomorrow then I'll get served by cute guy and maybe we'll have the small talk and I can practice on him. And maybe our small talk will progress and we'll talk familiarly (is that a word?) while he's serving me and she's around - because sometimes they're on together.

I hope she isn't straight. I hope she isn't married. I hope I'm not wasting my time. If I am - at least it's giving me a reason to take care of my appearance - and I'm not really good at that because I'm a lazy bitch.

this blog

2005-04-14T12:23:00.000+10:00

i like to have this journal. now, when i feel totally fucking rejected i can write it and get it out of my system.

i fucking tried to call her again. and she didnt answer. and i know she's right there next to her phone. how? well i messaged her first. and she messaged back. and this happened twice, and then i actually called her, and she didnt pick up. why the fuck not?? fucking fuck fuck fuck why fucking not? huh? tell me fucken.

my friend replied to my email after 2 years, well ok - 1 year. i googled her to see what she was up to. not only did i find that out but i found out a new email address she uses. i thinks its pretty sad that i had to google her to find out about her. she said she never checks her 'old' email address anymore - you know, the one ive been fucking writing to. it was a pretty business like response about where she is in her life. except for the last part where it said, and i copy-and-paste: "sorry again for not writing, that doesn't mean i'm not thinking of you. i want you to know that. tell me more about where you are at in the moment....looking forward to read more. big kiss and and I MISS YOU ". now what the fuck do i do with that? i feel like shit because she didnt even bother telling me her new email. so does that mean she doesn't want to keep in contact? because thats what i feel. but then she tells me nice stuff. i think i fell in love with her too. and i only got over her by falling in love with the one i am now in love with. maybe i need to meet someone new to fall in love with so that i can get over this one.

why do i have to keep getting over people? well, so far it's all been unrequited love. why unrequited? well this is the cycle: meet someone-we get to know each other-they do nice things for me-they make me feel special-i know that they really lik me-i fuck up somehow-they distance themselves-i realise then how much they mean to me-i try and make it up-they move on-i keep trying...

this has happened twice now. im at the end of the cycle the 2nd time around but ive been sitting there for too long now. i think it's my time to meet someone.

now that ive waited so long for a fucking email i dont feel like writing back.

i think there are some issues i need to deal with on how i handle things. i dont think they are handled well in my head. or rather i play games - not in the sense of playing games with people and their emotions but games like --> if i stuff up will they still be there afterwards. i do this subconciously. i think it has something to do with me being an adoptee. gotta fix me up in respect to that. i know it dictates a lot of what i do and say and how i act and react. adoption sucks. the real mums feel like shit, the adoptees feel as if they owe the bringing-up parents something, and the bringing-up parents think they are the bomb and that their children owe them something and that the real mums are low class citizens.

i think ill fix me up after this semester is over. ive put a lot on my plate this half year, ill do something when its all done. why do i keep putting off something that is so majorly a big part of my life and who i am? its not part of my life - it IS my life. maybe i keep putting it off because i know it will take a lot of myself to work it out. and right now i dont have the time to do that and i dont think im 'ready' either. ive been indirectly preparing myself for the past few years just by thinking about it and finding resources suitable for the journey.

journey. gosh that sounds so pathetic. i feel like writing an email to her now.

blank

2005-04-13T12:53:00.000+10:00

so i didnt bother with that mental telepathy thing, although i didnt stop thinking about her. so she messaged me because she got a missed call on her mobile. she was feeling shitty. i know she doesn't answer it when she feels like shit. and she doesnt answer it a lot. so my pissed off self the other day was a bit self centred. but still. i wish she'd answer it anyway and feel as though she could talk to me. she's online now - on gaydargirls. and so am i! but she doesn't know it's me cause i'm not out, etc, etc. what is she looking for? im right here! over here! *jumps up and waves around like an idiot*

she's broken up with her girlfriend. i dont know what happened. i feel bad that she has to go through the breaking up shit - but theres a part of me that thinks i now have a chance. but we dont even talk anymore so what the fuck am i thinking?

i watched all 'the l word' episodes to date in the space of about 5 days in my room, with all the lights off and just me sitting here staring at the monitor. i created such an intimate environment that i truly feel as if i know the characters. unfortunately i read someone saying how much they hate jenny's writing shit, and since ive read that i now hate it - the words on the screen, the play acting, the whole fucking lot. i wonder - if i hadnt of read that post, would i hate it?

i am so pissed off that marina isn't back in season 2. i want to meet someone like that in real life. someone who knows what they want, and goes for it. i love that confidence. its so fucking sexy. and dana is so fucking hot. and i like alice as a person - i want to know her. yeah, i know, they're not real. whatever. they're real to me.

im thinking of copying all of them on cd (because converting to dvd just gives out really bad quality) and giving them to her. i dont know why i do stuff like this. evertime i like someone i just want to do lotsof things for them, ie wasting hours and hours of my time doing something that i dont even know if they want or not, or like or not - just for an excuse to talk to them, for them to talk to me, to like me.

im listening to mono. bloody good. i dont know who they are or what the album is - my friend put it on my HD when he put my pc together. perfect background music.

right now im getting feedback on my speakers from my mobile (evertime reception point changes). you know, the noise you get on the radio when someone calls up. this is happening every 4 minutes or so. everytime it happens i think it might be her calling/messaging. fucking pathetic isn't it? yet, when i least expect it, she does - like last time. when is it that i least expect it? when i get over her not contacting me, when my mind is so full of other shit that she's pushed back somewhere. either of these situations occuring is rare. this means it is rare for her to make contact.

shes beautiful.

white witch stuff

2005-04-07T11:39:00.000+10:00

i've always said that i'll never do this. never say never i suppose. i'm gonna try and do a spell to get the woman i want - to want me. i said i was never gonna do it because it wouldn't be real - that the person would like me because of the spell and not because of me. and now i don't care. wasn't i not communicating with her to get over her? so then why have i been thinking of her the moment i wake up, through the day, and when i'm trying to fall asleep. it's gotten to be like this only lately. i thought i was doing well.

i rang her this arvo. she didn't pick up. why not? did she see my name on her mobile and think 'i ain't picking up - she's avoided me for x months, why is she calling now?' or, and this is what she'll say happened when i ask her about it (and why do i always ask her about a phone call that she never picked up or a message she never returned? why do i keep putting myself in a position where she has the opportunity to lie to me? why do i beleive that all her answers will always be a lie? why are they always lies?) the battery was flat or the phone wasn't on her or she left it someones house or at work or she wasn't in the room when it rang or she never did get any call from me or the phone was broken. she has used all these excuses in the past. and this is why i believe she is lying everytime - because when she is in a good mood or I know she is in that part of whatever emotional cycle shes in where she wants to talk to me or when i am visiting her --> the phone always gets picked up, is always by her side, is always working.

fucking hell! why do i care!

because fucken! because i swallowed my pride first and made the first move at contact - and she rejected that.

fuck!

fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

so i hope this spell works. what spell? i havent even got one.

yet.

this is what i want out of it: that she stops lying to me, that she wants to see/talk/go out with me all the time, that she feels confident enough to let me see 'her', that it goes back to the way it was when we both had that wonderful connection for that too brief moment in our lives.

changed my mind

2005-04-06T12:05:00.000+10:00

ok, ive changed my mind.

ive read up on it and the 'advice' im getting is to not 'direct it to a specific person'.

bummer. there goes that idea.

maybe i'll try mental telepathy or something like that. off to research that now......

this way or that?

2005-04-01T14:09:00.000+10:00

hmmmm.

is it better (when dealing with unrequited love) to make no contact with that person and just live your life wondering what they're up to and feeling all sad? or

is it better to keep in contact with that person, but know that you'll never have them? this means that you aren't wondering anymore but also means that you're not just sad - you're majorly depressed all the time.

which is better?

addiction

2005-03-29T07:46:00.000+10:00

i have an unnatural obsession with fan fiction, uber fiction, original alternative fiction. whatever you want to call it. it is so much of an addiction that it runs my life. really. 80% of my time is spent reading. the other 20% is spent trying to convince myself that 'at the moment i am doing something with my life. see? i am at work/uni/on the train/watching tv instead of reading new updates'. i know that i am only cheating myself. this addiction comes in waves. when it gets so so so bad i completely stop and won't read anythinf for months. and then i imerse myself in it again.

emails

2005-03-28T10:46:00.000+10:00

i really hate it when a friend tells me they didn't have time to email me. hello?? it takes a couple of minutes to put something down. it doesn't have to be long, just tell me if you're doing ok. who never has 'a couple of minutes' for a friend. especially if they're on the other side of the world? it makes me feel as though they're trying to end the friendship because they're too lazy. but why is it always the other person, and not me, that's trying to end it? i'm not overbearing or anything like that. just simple and easy to get along with. i don't get it.

clea duvall

2005-03-26T09:17:00.000+11:00

i downloaded 'but im a cheerleader' yesterday and just watched it. that is such a funny movie. i loved it. and clea duvall is just gorgeous! i just want her to kiss me...and natasha lyonne - well i just love her voice, not the accent (it's a normal sorta accent) but her voice, it's sexy. but at the moment im smitten with clea. so im just gonna go and read all about her...

i love my cat

2005-03-24T12:39:00.000+11:00

my mobile had a ring tone during the time i hung out with her and this was for a period of about 3 months. Ringing and talking every single day. my ring tone has since changed. but now, everytime i someone elses phone rings with that ring tone - it takes me right back.

i love how the memory works. it's the same with smells for me. but with smells, i make memory smells on purpose. for instance, when i go overseas, or on a holiday - i'll use a deodorant or shampoo that i don't usually use. and when i'm back home i never use it again. unless i want to recall happy times. then, i'll whip out that deodorant/use that shampoo and smile for the rest of the day.

you know how your shampoo instructions are 'lather, rinse, repeat'? well i was wondering if the same could apply to toothpaste. well brushing your teeth anyway. would it make a difference it you brushed them again? and if so, why don't toothpaste companies put those directions on. lots of toothpaste will be used --> lots more will be bought --> they make a lot of money --> they smile a lot more --> and hopefully they've been following the instructions too.

i'm sick. my right nostril is leaking. my left is dry. i cough (read splutter) only when its inconvenient (in my lecture, the packed peak hour train), i look like shit. i feel like shit. i'm at uni in this condition! but i'm not sneezing everywhere(nowhere actually)- so no need to lecture me about spreading germs - i'm very careful.

i want to sleep.

i took my cat to the vet on monday. to die. in 4 weeks he went from been a nice, healthy old (15years) cat - to a cancer-behind-the eye, give-him-these-antiinfection-tablets, the-cancer-has-spread-to-his-mouth, its-pushing his-eye-out, put-this-cream-on-his-eye-because-he-cant-blink-it-anymore type of cat. but through all this he never changed his appetite (which was bigger than a dogs), and acted like nothing was wrong. he still seemed happy. and that is why it was so hard to leave him at the vet --> still very much alive, wide-eyed with curiosity (he had lovely big eyes), and purring. it broke my heart. i loved that cat more than anything and anyone. truly. it's one of the hardest things i've ever had to do.

sexuality

2005-03-23T16:40:00.000+11:00

i'm a woman, and i'm in love with a woman.

and nobody knows it but me.

i only realised this when she went and got a girlfriend.
you don't have to tell me - i know i'm pathetic. or isn't that what usually happens? the time you spend with suddenly ceases because they have someone new and you realise - hey! wait a second now....and you don't just miss them, you realise that you're in love.

i'm old - well i feel old and i know i'm not - 23.
but i think its the first time ive really fell for someone. and a woman at that.

a kind of revelation but not really.

trying to get over her is hard. 1 year now. i tried not seeing her or talking to her for a while. then one of us would call the other and i started thinking about her constantly. and then there would be no contact again and i thought i was doing ok. and i was until one of us called.

she is such a unique person. yeah yeah everyones unique. but she truly is. a mind of her own. doesn't think along popular lines but also doesn't think along 'alternative' lines. and this makes her so interesting. as does her varied taste in music. also her personality and how she holds herself and the little insecurities that i can see that she's trying not to show.

the worst part is knowing that she felt something for me. she was too noble to act on it though. because she's 'out' and i'm not. to nobody. i don't know if i accept it fully myself yet. and i am old to be discovering this about myself. so this means she thinks i'm straight while i sit here yearning for her.

i know im not bisexual. i know i can, and have, fallen for women. i know i never have for a man. i know women make my heart beat faster while a men do not. they just never have. i know the type of woman i want. i did do a little exploring overseas. and yes, being with a woman, well, if you've ever made love to a woman then you know what i mean. i have been with a man. once. it was so boring and did nothing for me.

so am i a lesbian? i love women (but not all women and not all types of women). i yearn for one in particular. i constantly think about others. but i don't think i can call myself one. probably because of all the things that go with such a label. and i know about all the stereotypes - and i also know, unfortunately, that many of the stereotypes are true for most i've met. and i don't fit with any of them, and so i don't think the label 'lesbian' fits me.

i'm just me. trying to fall out of love with her. because it's agonising. because it's been so long. *sigh* this was supposed to be a short first post. but there is just so much in my head. and i haven't spoken to anybody about this for all this time. it needs to come out.

i find it strange that i can tell the whole world - but not my family, not my closest friends, not my not-close friends, and not even her. strange - but i kind of like it. that someones out there reading this. comforting i suppose. and i won't say 'with no judgments' because i will get judged. but i don't care. it will be judgment passed by a person having no idea of who i am, nothing to base their judgment on - only the words on this page.